So how did I get to this point?.... Well I was dumped wasn't I - Did I see it coming? No. Do I feel the same now as I did when it happened? Nope – not at all! And here's why... Don’t take any of this as a bitter jab, or sour grapes. To me it was enlightenment I gleamed from reading possibly the greatest book on earth, and one I wished I had read years ago. It has saved me from my despair and opened my eyes with the most surprising and often shocking truth about men and women. When you read it you find yourself saying “Oh yeah! Of course!” more times than you would imagine. It is by a psychologist and expert relationship counsellor and I think it should be given to everyone on their 18th birthdays… but that’s another matter… I was with my partner, my love, my 'everything' for almost 13 years, and to cut the story right down to a quick line, she told me that she wanted to stand "on her own two feet" and be independent, and she left. One week later I found out this was a lie and she was really seeing someone she met at work. Now that sucks big time doesn't it? I mean getting dumped is bad enough, but then to be lied to on top? Ouch. Imagine the pain of being kicked in the reproductive area. Now for a man that is close to the feeling of having Fatima Whitbread use your anus to store her javelins in. Being dumped like that was about 1000 times more painful. But a pain in the heart. The bombshell of rejection is a shock like seeing a hungry tiger running towards you in an open field, or a crazed gunman aiming his rifle at you in a crowded street. It's a sudden shock you want to run away from, but you can't. The shock is located in your heart and your head, and no amount of running away and screaming will ever shift it. What’s the first thing you want to do about this? You don’t want to hurt like this do you? You can’t stand the pain. Yeah alcohol helps doesn’t it? Well yes and no. More on that another time. What you really want to do is convince her to come back, you’re sorry (what for?!?) and things will be different, but please don’t be with someone else, please be with me!! But then, maybe we need to look between the lines a little here. Let’s look closely at what really happened. She has lived with me since she was 19. Now 19 is young, and to be with one person all that time means you have no idea or experience what life would be like with someone else. He is 37, and has conveniently just dumped his ex too ( coincidence?) Secondly, they work together. Work relationships are always successful aren’t they (sarcasm mode enabled)? What do you know of people you work with? Well they fall into two categories. Either you like them and they are your friends, or you hate them because they are arse lickers/earn more/work less/get preferential treatment and so on. So you love them or hate them. Simple. So if that person looks “hot” in your eyes then it’s all fantastic isn’t it? I mean, look at the person you live with compared to this man. Your bloke is at home, he snores, he farts, he watches football, he leaves his socks on the floor, and so on. Now take a look at Mr. Work. He’s lovely. He’s such a gentleman, he opens doors for you, he asks how you are, he tells you that you are amazing. WOW! He has absolutely no down side to him at all! I need to get me one of those! Of course the farting, watching football is all done in his house, WORK MATES HAVE NO NEGATIVE SIDE! You will never see it until later.So what kind of person are you? Well you are already dating someone else when you meet my girlfriend, and men being men and the unknown sexual fantasy always beats the reality that you have, so yeah let’s go for it. She’s cute, and has a nice smile too. And boy does that bottom look amazing in those jeans. So you dump your girlfriend in order to get this new one. Sorted. Now I’m not sure of the order here, but it matters not. Either you dump your ex and convince this girl to do the same (“you deserve to be happy”…”I’m your friend, you know that”…”You deserve so much more”…”You are so amazing I can’t believe you are unhappy, it must be him, it can’t be you”…). Or you wait until, and encourage the breakup of her relationship (make a move on her, tell her she’s great all the time, how she needs to be her own person etc.) and then now you have the green light you can ditch your current one – I mean why keep her? You’ve had sex with her, you at least know what she looks like without clothes on, you know what it’s all like, so where’s the challenge? Can we see where this is going guys? Come and be with me, because I’m good looking and I am your friend (should only take a couple of months to get inside those pants if I am this nice to her). So what happens now he is at work and my ex isn’t any more. He still works in the same place, surrounded by girls, in the same situation he was when he was with his previous girlfriend, the one he dumped for mine. But my ex is not there, not able to keep and eye on him, not able to see who he chats to when having a drink after work. He is now surrounded by a whole batch of different, new and exciting girls. Here come all the new starters, great! And hey, that one is really nice, and my current girl is old news now, I mean I fancied her when I had my old one, and I did dump the other one very easily because I'm good at this 'making girls feel special' thing, so I think I might just go and tell that new starter over there how amazing she is, how I will always be here as a friend, and see what happens… … and so it continues… So is he so great? Quite obviously he is manipulative, and very clever at it. Women love to feel special, and the classic line that all guys use to bed girls is that old “I don’t care if we don’t end up as lovers I just want to be your friend..” which makes the girl feel so special, and ooh isn’t he so much different from ordinary men. It works every time, because women always want their man to be different. They want him to be that comic book perfect man who will be so kind to you, and at the same time will be amazing in bed (as long as his mum’s out at church) when the time comes. Well guess what? The truth hurts. Ask yourself this. If he is such a gentleman and is such a good friend, then why did he dump his ex in a flash to be with you? Because the only person’s feelings that matter are his! Quick test for you. If you want to know whether a man is a really good friend and will not push you for sex, tell him this “I really like you as a friend and I really value our friendship, but I want to make one thing really clear. I don’t want to ever have sex with you, I don’t like you in a sexual way - our friendship is too important to me!” This works a treat and you get one of two answers. Firstly “OK, of course, I understand, you know I am always here for you as a friend” and then watch as the phone calls and texts diminish steadily over the next month, until you get the “I’m a bit busy at the moment” call. Unless you are stupid or desperate enough to give in earlier and let him have what he wants – then magically you will have your friend back! Secondly you get the other answer. In some kind of phrase you will get “We will still be friends even after we have sex, I promise you that. I will always be your friend, and sleeping with you will prove that because you will see how nice I am to you afterwards”. Worrying thing is that they always work – well at least in the short term. Women love to feel special, and why not? So how do you make a woman feel special? You tell her what she wants to hear. And then what happens? She trusts you, and when she trusts you she is more likely to sleep with you. I mean she fancies you anyway, so telling her what she wants to hear will just tip the scales, and bingo! There are no lengths to which a man will not go to get sex. A sex drive is the most basic instinct in a man’s body, so the fact he flew to Edinburgh to meet you, or bought you a bracelet or answered the phone at 3am and came over to see if you were ok are all prices worth paying! Men know you can’t force women to sleep with you – I mean some meat heads still try and this works to the sly and cunning men’s advantage. Women know that seedy, ignorant men use the forced technique and despite the fact some women go with it, most don’t, but they are aware of it. So when the cunning men try the “I’m different” approach, then women melt! He’s so nice, he doesn’t force me into anything, and he is my friend most importantly and we will always have that. He’s always there for me and he doesn’t expect anything in return. Give it time, then prepare to pick up the pieces. Friends are friends – what makes a true friend different from anyone else is that nothing is expected in return. Nothing. Friendships have no conditions, a friend can even be a friend to you when you are not to them. You can be nasty to someone, ignore them, and then find out in your hour of need that they are there for you. Now compare this with the “friend” who is being so nice to you, despite the fact they fancy you. Ask yourself this – if you were 3ft tall, 15 stone and had facial hair, how much do you think they would be your friend? It is not necessary to dump your girlfriend in order to be someone’s friend. So why did they? Because they want sex. You can have a girlfriend and still be friends with someone else, you can give them a lift, have a drink, hug them, reassure them. But if you want sex, then you can’t have baggage! So she has to go. So now at least we have established the reason. He wants sex. He dumped his girlfriend in order to clear the way. If he was your true friend he would still have been with his girlfriend, not syncronised the breakups! He doesn't know you, you are work mates, you only know the positives, so telling you are an amazing person is something he doesn't even have the information to make a decision about! You are pretty and I want to sleep with you is what is really behind the comments and compliments. So he’s being nice, but we know why, and we know what to tell him in order to prove this. But some women don't want the truth. The illusion of a special friend who cares is one they need right now, as they have no one else. So they go along with it, just hoping it's not true - but have already proved that it is. So why am I not concerned anymore? Why was I so beaten up by it and now I’m not? Simple. He’s not worth it! It would hurt to be dumped for Brad Pitt – I mean he is wealthy, successful, and if you compared yourself to him and came off second best then you know your girlfriend was shallow, interested in money, and most importantly was only concerned with looks. Imagine that – being dumped for someone else and knowing it’s because you are uglier – ego dives down the drain! But to be dumped for someone who dumps girls in order to move on to the next, and lies about being a friend in order to make out and hopefully more, simply means your girlfriend has been conned. I can run my own business, wash my own clothes, cook, clean, sort any mess out for anyone else, good with my hands, always make sure my partner is sexually satisfied before I am, I am a technical whiz with computers, video, anything I turn my hand at. I am kind and considerate and always strive to help others. I would never dump anyone – any breakup would be mutual and caring for the other person so the hurt was reduced to an absolute minimum. I have never tried to come onto anyone for sex either directly or in a sneaky deceiving way, and have only ever had long relationships with girls, because it was based on love and friendship, not how quickly I can get their pants off by being thoroughly charming. More importantly I am strong - I have come through the worst weak of my life and not only survived it, but found inner strength and resilience to move my life in a positive way. Irrespective of any relationship I have worked on myself and started to put in place a much better, stronger and more confident life, and as a result I wake up each morning excited about the day ahead and the pleasure and opportunities it may bring me. Now my ex is very naïve – I call it being sweet, but she is dangerously naïve and gullible. She listens to people around her and gets led astray despite what she knows to be the truth in her heart. On several occasions she has made huge mistakes because she listened to what others told her and followed them, even though inside she knew the truth. Numerous times have I had to help her pick up the pieces and rectify mistakes that she has made only because she was led on by others. This is the irony. She has always been independent and has always known the right thing to do, but allows others to influence her and push her the wrong way. In many ways she is just a child, a little lost soul looking for someone to care about her and listen to her. So maybe that’s where I lost her. I stopped listening, and I didn’t always take her seriously. Ok so there are some regrets still, but I can’t change the past, only the future. But she wanders out into the world looking for independence and friendship and is taken over by someone whose best interests are not hers. More importantly, she has devastated the person she loved most in the world and stabbed him in the heart, and that is something she has to deal with not me! I have no guilt, I have not hurt anyone, but she has, and she knows it, and it is hurting her deep inside. If anything she is now the one who is hurt most, because whatever happens she has done what she has done – despite knowing how it would make me feel, she lied to me and dumped me for someone else. I would feel awful until my dying day if I had done that, and I don’ t think the feelings would ever leave me. So back to the point in question – why am I ok with all this? Well think about it – He dumps people on a whim when someone else comes along, and he is sly in his ways to get women interested in him. She is a lost soul, who despite knowing how much I would hurt, still dumped me in the worst possible and deceitful way, and is quite happy to entertain and be with someone who will break her heart in the end when the truth comes out in 2 months/6 months/ or whenever. My point is, after much rambling – we are dealing with bad people, or at least people who act badly to others. They are doing it to eachother too! She wants a friendship that isn’t there and is so scared of losing it because she doesn’t even know anyone else to talk to who she would call a friend, so she will eventually let him do what he planned all along. And he will take her for a ride, like he did his ex, and dump her when she is last year’s news. I would be upset if I was dumped and the two kindest and loveliest people on the planet were now together. It would make me feel like less of a person because I am not worthy. But the truth is that they both have and continue to act in a terrible and insensitive way, each using the other for what they want out of the relationship. So I have lost out on nothing here. I have had an endless stream of visitors/callers who have all expressed identical opinions. If I was wrong, then surely someone would have said something different, but all opinions are the same. I have even had the local vicar round this afternoon, and even he came to the same conclusions! Enough people have told me that I am a good person, and that I didn’t deserve this, and that no good will come of what followed, and I have listened to them. I feel a great weight has been lifted – the truth is out and everyone can see it plainly. So thankyou to Mr Panzeralla for your excellent book, and all the people who have either called in person or phoned to set me straight – the truth is a wonderful thing. It rescues you from the prison of your mind, and gives you the freedom to move on in your life! I was at the point when I thought nobody cared about me - and now I have found that not only a lot of people care, but people I don't even know have come into my life and shown me much support, love and care. My view on human nature has not only been changed, it has been reversed totally. I honestly believe that most people have a lot of love and a lot of good inside them. It has been a truly humbling experience! As for my ex…. Well I love her don’t I, I always will. She knows that, and it is probably the security of knowing that I will always love her that gave her the green light to go and cheat - I mean if you know that the person will still be there whatever you do, it means you are free to do it! I feel very sad for her right now. My emotions have been mostly repaired, but I don’t think hers have. And stuck at her mum and dad’s house, with no job, a “friend” who is manipulating her, and at 33 the prospects of reaching the unreachable dream she still searches for seem just as far away as they always were. Happiness is in your heart, my sweet angel, it doesn’t exist out there anywhere, or in whatever you try and do with your life. It has to be found in your heart, then you will see it in all you do and everywhere you look. I love you Clare, and I always will. I am so sorry that you destroyed what we had in looking for something that just isn’t there. I know in your heart one day you will see clearly, as you always do in the end. You know what is right and wrong, and you will see where happiness truly lies. I only hope that in the years ahead you discover your true self, and find inner strength to be happy with your life without the need for things, people, ventures, plans or anything else, and you gain peace in your heart. No one goes with another person in an intimate way, even kissing, when they have just ended a 13 year relationship. Not only is it wrong, it is not real. You are either lying about the previous 13 years or you are lying now, no human is so detached from their feelings that they can be intimate with a partner of 13 years one week and then intimate with a new person the next. Natural law tells you that the ending of the previous relationship would be so traumatic that there is no way you could just move on to being intimate with someone else the next day or week. You would not be emotionally ready to offer sexual advances to anyone with the memories of the previous person still so raw and close in your mind. You know why you are doing this. To please him, and keep a "friend". But you know that already, and almost admitted as much when we met up. As I told you then, never do anything for the wrong reasons... This is a classic case of how women confuse love and sex. A woman will kiss a man as a sign of love (or what they perceive as love, affection, close friendship) whereas a man kisses a woman because it feels good sexually. Remember the phrase "women play at sex to get love, men play at love to get sex". It is and always has been true. You are kissing him in order to keep him as a friend, he is kissing you as the first stage to getting what he really wants. I hope that the close friendship we once shared can still be found somewhere in our hearts, and that whatever happens to us both in the future we will always remember what we had with a smile. The holidays, the adventures, the homes we have lived in, the triumphs and the tragedies will never be deleted from my mind. I will never forget the day I looked into you eyes and thought "She's the one" and you have been a wonderful chapter in my life. I will always be there for you, my love is real and everlasting. Please take care of yourself, you are too special not to. Chris.