Today has not been a good day. Don't know why. I was doing so well.
I was warned by a friend that there would be dark days, even though I have come out the other side of the suicidal depression. "Roller Coaster" was the phrase she used. "Don't expect to keep going without any drawbacks, because you will have them I assure you" and she was right!
I have that bloody James Blunt song in my head too, "Goodbye my lover, you have been the one for me" so that's not going to help is it?!
Can't shift it today - been running up to Crook's Peak, done some weights, anything I can try and think of to get rid of this awful sense of loss, but today I have done nothing but cry.
Even watching Gordon Brown on the news made me cry - that's how bad it's been! Maybe tomorrow I will be better.

I've got a date tonight as well, so turning up crying might not help an awful lot! Don't know why I'm even going to be honest. I mean, great, let's go and see a girl shall we - and then what? What are we expecting out of it?
Make your ex a bit jealous? Hope she doesn't like the thought of you being with someone else? Hmmm these would be bad reasons wouldn't they. Thing is she doesn't give a shit, she was actually excited at the prospect of me meeting someone else -
I could do with meeting people, but my stocks of trust and willingness to show vulnerability are down to the bottom of the barrell.

I think I might have sussed the problem - this morning I got an email from a tack shop that I had ordered Clare's birthday present from. They said it is now ready and will be delivered this week (in time for her birthday) - oops! Yeah, bummer eh? When I ordered it I had no idea that we would be in this situation, and I think my problem is that I don't know what to do with it! I don't want to sell it because it was a lot of effort just to ditch, and anyway it is a present for the horse as much as anything!

I think I might just leave it with her stuff when she collects it. I don't want to contact her again, as I get the impression I am becoming whiny and annoying. She has moved on and she is as likely to come back to me as the Pope is of converting to Islam.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up with a smile again, I hate feeling like this - no, wait! Mum is coming down tomorrow! Ahhh.... ok, maybe not then... :)