A few days of silence...

What a difference a day makes, and all that. A very important thing needs to be remembered when setting about trying to win back your girlfriend - ask yourself if you really want to!

It's really easy to miss your other half, and all the things about her. But then have a good look at your relationship - look really close. When you have been with someone for 13 years then you have a list about 10 miles long of connections with her, things you have in common, things you like about her, things you can't live without. Conversely, although you probably don't think about it at the time, you also have a list of things where you don't match and issues that cause trouble and things that will push you apart - they already have of course, that's why you are on your own!

Now the temptation when feeling vulnerable is to latch onto all the good stuff and forget the rest - but the rest is what drove you apart! It's all very well saying "well let's change it then", but maybe the things on the 'wrong' list aren't things you have any control over.
If there is no sexual chemistry there any more (i.e. she doesn't look at you with those 'ooooooh!' eyes any more) then that's a thought process going on in her head not yours. You cannot alter the content of another person's head. Well, you can try, but that's manipulation, and there would be only bad results in the long term. Imagine being tricked into going back into a relationship - it really would be the end, and it does you no favours.
New relationships are totally different from old ones, or even working at saving old ones. New relationships are entirely based, from a male perspective, on physical attraction. I remember a couple of years back how Clare was on medication that made her weight balloon, and she lost a lot of confidence and I have to say also lost the ability to do her jeans up! But at the time I still thought she looked beautiful, and wanted her just as much as ever. This was after 11 years or whatever of being together, so for me the physical side of it was totally altered. I found Clare sexy because she was Clare - the extra weight and all the rest of it was just unimportant nonsense that I couldn't see, and she was the person I fancied - period.
Now in a new relationship, that bond has not had time to develop - and it really does take time! I think for men it is probably longer than for women, but I would guess it's heading for a good 7-10 years before you get there.
New relationships are all about short-term physical desire. Take a night club. Wandering around eying up what is available, taking them home, waking up next morning, and saying you'll call them. You call them a week later and meet up and think "hmmm actually, nah!" OK this is shallow and a ruthless interpretation of what goes on, but it is in essence correct. You see men and women to a lesser extent window shop. It doesn't matter that the pair of shoes you have on are brand new and perfect for you, you still stop and have a look at some others, many others, imagining what it might be like with them instead.

Since being dumped, I went onto Match.com and put my details and photo up. This is where my revelations come from - how I have been communicated with over the last week or so.
None of the people who I have spoken to or met have any idea about me as a person. I have told them things and they have experienced things, but I could be an axe-wielding paedophile for all they know! Yet despite that I get told I have great eyes, I have "artistic" hands, I love "the way you look at me from under that fringe" etc... I could tell you some of the other things women have said, but just in case my mum ever reads this I better not post them!
So this emphasises my point - the start of any relationship is purley one of physical attraction, nothing more. Don't kid yourselves with Hollywood notions of romance, because it really is made up in the movies!
The flip side of this is friendship. This is where the major problems really start!
Friendship and romantic/sexual involvement are totally unrelated. They are polar opposites. The problem is that the feelings often stimulate the same area of our brains, so we confuse the two. Often a man will tell a girl with all confidence that he "loves" her, when inside he knows that really he wants to get her into bed. He thinks he loves her though - but it is that point at which those mushy feelings cross-over and the desire for one thing is confused with meaning something entirely different. A girl will often think she wants to be with a man in a sexual way because she has feelings for him in another way. The old conversation that two girlfriends will have about the regret of sleeping with someone, only to tell the other "well I slept with him because I love him" - meaning, 'if I hadn't he'd stop being so nice to me!'
This can work the other way around, but usually it is the male who confuses the physical attraction with something deeper and the female who confuses the caring side with the physical contact.
To be coarse and vulgar about this - ask yourself a question. When you see this person, what's the first thing (honestly) that goes through your mind? Is it 'aww it's him, I'm so happy to see him' or is it 'I must have that cock right now!' (sorry mum!) - Likewise, is it 'Aww she's here bless her, I wonder how she got on today' or is it 'she's here! look at that arse! I wonder what she looks like topless...' - The truth always comes out in time, especially when the sexual mystery has passed. Sleep with a guy for 6 months and then see how pleased he is to see you...

This all sounds rather bitter and twisted, but in a nutshell this is how relationships work. What do groups of women talk about regarding men?
"Where did he take you? What's his car like? Did he say anything nice to you? What's his family like? Did he treat you to something nice? What did he buy you? Did he hold your hand and say he loves you? Did he give you a lovely smile?".... and so on...
What do the group of men say?
"Have you shagged her yet?" - end of story!

I'm so glad to be a man - I would hate to be a woman at the risk of being confused and used by male manipulation. And boy are some of us good at it. A friend of mine called Nigel was probably the most skilfull I have known - he always knew exactly what to say to make a girl feel special, cared for and loved - and then dump them when they were crap in bed!


So at least the difference between a new and old relationship should be fairly clear - despite how people try to disguise it or pretend otherwise.

My relationship with Clare has 500 million connections running through it - everything from humour, emotions, excitement, sadness - but with one noticeable thread that has snapped. The 499,999,999 connections that remain in place are as strong as ever, but the sexual attraction cable has snapped off and frazzled. So what do you do about that?
I tried two courses of action that I thought would work - firstly I thought 499,999,999 out of 500 million is close enough, so let's have her back! Come on, let's be together again, I must win her back! But that isn't right, and it can't and won't work.
So I tried the other course of action - go away! Keep away from me, I don't ever want to see you again. Again this is nonsense! Throw away 499,999,999 connections because of one single broken one? That felt wrong too.
So this is how I got really confused. I sent her contradictory email after contradictory email unable to fathom why neither course of action was right, or even felt right. Whatever I said felt uncomfortable and left me feeling desperately sad and lonely. Then the penny dropped.
The date on Monday made me realise all of what I have described above. This was the link that was broken, not the rest of it! The expression "let's be friends" sounds like such a crap wimp-out when a relationship ends, but it doesn't mean that - it means "let's keep the other 499,999,999 connections going as they always have been! Just because one has broken doesn't mean it's over completely as two interconnected human beings!" Does a rope bridge with 500 million ropes fall down because one snaps? No, it would take probably 400 million before it falls. Would a person who lost one hair on their heads be classed as bald if they still had 499,999,999 other hairs still attached? NO, OF COURSE NOT!
I know Clare has found that one single rope with someone else, and I too have now experienced it - I sat in a pub for 4 hours chatting to someone, based entirely on this one connection (from her point of view - I was in a bit of a trance about the whole thing, so I don't even know what I said!) and even had a chat and a kiss in the car park afterwards - but it was one connection, that's all! Your tummy goes in knots and you get a fluttery feeling and start imagining that this person means all sorts to you, when really they don't. After the date you think "Aww they are so nice, I like them, I wonder where we go from here?" but really you have just thrown that first shallow and surface rope across to start the bridge, or a hair transplant with one hair attached to a bald head. You have no idea how or even if this is going to continue - maybe the first hair was ginger and you were too besotted to even notice!? Anyway - I'm going off at a tangent now.

So Clare is coming round tomorrow, and with a bit of luck I can still be with her on all the other 499,999,999 connections as long as we both live! Whoever she ends up with and in whatever situation, it's going to be a very long time before she has 500 million connections with anyone, and as for me, I'm quite happy to have 499,999,999 with her and should the need take me then one connection with someone else and build from there. Personally I don't care at this moment in time - I have spent far too many years dwelling on one thing and not doing anything with my life at all - I have lost time to make up here! There's more to life that that one connection and right now my attitude to life is taking me to all kinds of weird places - I'm going to Scandanavia to record an album next year! Yes I really did say that!! My driving license application is here, I am having my eyes lasered within the next couple of weeks, I'm moving house in November, and I have about 37 women who want to meet me on Match.com - the poor fools! haha!.... Hard life isn't it!?? :)