Who are you....?

After yesterday's unfortunate incident, I lay in bed this morning thinking for a long time (it's only 5.40am now).
I am very confused by lots of things going on at the moment. I was struck by the thought that I no longer know who Clare is. Let me explain:
The Clare I love is a huge Nightwish fan, not only that but a huge music fan in general. Yet this Clare hasn't listened to anything in 5 weeks. Now I couldn't survive like that at all. Music pulls me through very difficult times, but for someone who has dashed off at the drop of a hat to pursue bands all over the country it is weird to not listen to anything at all.
The Clare I love is an outdoor person. The sort to go walking all over the hills, through the Welsh countryside, the person I couldn't keep up with and used to have to keep stopping to get my breath. She doesn't go for walks any more. Yesterday she was puffing and panting just getting up Kings Wood, let alone all the way to Crooks Peak. She would have gone horse-riding at midnight if the opportunity arose, now she puts it off because of 'tiredness' or because she needs to have time away from the person she is sleeping with and have some space?!
The Clare I love had strong moral fibre. She valued intimacy as something special between two people who are in love, and I remember when we got together how long it was before we were both ready to commit physically. Now she has met someone she fancies she has given her body to him in a flash while our bed was still warm.
The Clare I love had a strong will to be independent. She desired so much from life and always wondered what opportunities were out there and how she could experience them. This Clare does nothing. She is a servant to a physical relationship and has no life other than keeping him happy. Even her desire to breakup was thwarted as she has no strength or independence and just runs straight back to keep him happy. The irony is that the only things she does do now are with me. The walks, the rocking horse project, the horse riding, etc.
The Clare I love is happy. She finds joy in the simple things in life and always has a positive outlook. This Clare is thoroughly depressed and looks at things for bad reasons not good. I mentioned something on the walk, can't remember exactly what it was, but I was saying how it would be good to do and would be a positive thing and straight away Clare pointed out what might go wrong and how bad it could turn out. She looks at things in a negative way now.
The Clare I love likes a certain kind of man. She likes mentally strong characters, but also the physical side is important. She hates pony-tails, she hates men with thinning hair, she hates men who eat certain things, she hates men that could support cruelty to animals, she hates smokers, she hates people who are so weak that they need to take drugs, she hates men who just sleep around, the list is endless! Yet she is happily having sex with someone who is more Michael Bolton than Michael Monroe. Someone who uses drugs more like John Nahon than John Norum. Someone who smells more Marlboro than pine forest. Someone unconcerned about calves in transporter crates. Someone who is weak and emotionally immature not strong and dependable.
The Clare I love looks healthy and beautiful. This Clare is grey and gaunt, a deep sadness in her eyes and face. It used to be the case that I got down and Clare would be the chirpy one, but now she is more miserable than I ever was. If I was self-absorbed and being miserable and selfish she would walk away from me and go off somewhere as she refused to be brought down. Now she chases after John every time he has a self-pity sulking moment and condones it by giving in to him when he is like that. It is now making her into a sad and miserable person.

I have no idea what Clare has been doing these last few weeks, but it seems that she has become a servant to someone she apparently doesn't even want to be with. She admitted yesterday that she is hoping he will find someone else and dump her so she can be free of him without hurting his feelings, but that might never happen, and she is going to carry on like this indefinitely.

I am starting to feel used. Clare is basically going out with me - we do fun things together, she still has strong feelings for me, we still love eachother, she cannot imagine life without me, she wishes that we could be together but is glad that we parted in order to re-affirm how much we mean to eachother. Yet she is sleeping with someone else, and is only in that relationship for physical gratification. So she has two boyfriends, one for emotional support and companionship, and one for sex.

I am reaching a watershed moment. I am going to mum's birthday on the 20th October. When I am up there I am going to meet up with Abi and the old gang from Singlepoint. Who knows what conversations and suggestions may arise. There may be people there I now look at in a different light, there may be opportunities for employment and housing, there could be many things.
I love Clare with all my heart, but I am not sure how healthy it is for everyone to carry on as we are now. It will kill me to never see her again and even typing that sentence feels like a knife in my heart, but life is about sacrifices you have to make in order to do the right thing, and if Clare wants me as a friend and to use someone else for sex and an alternative to me, then it surely cannot be right. Maybe Clare will be happy spending the rest of her life with John, maybe I have her all wrong. I thought she was passionate about music, musicians, walking, horse-riding, enjoyed holidays with me in Wales, loved long thick flowing hair, hated smoking, thought drug taking was for losers, I thought she wanted to be upbeat not support wallowing in self-pity, I thought she was spontaneous and active not willing to just settle into a routine of just existing and either just drinking in a pub or sitting at home watching TV.
So maybe Clare is not those things any more. Maybe this is why she is with John. In which case I am the wrong person for her to be with. I want more out of life.
I want holidays in Wales where I walk for 4 hours and come in as the light is fading and light a roaring log fire with the smell of smoky pine filling the cottage and cuddle up with the person I love watching the flames dance in the darkness.
I want to go abroad and discover new places and people.
I want to go and see Nightwish in Finland and not miss out on opportunities just because they are happening somewhere else.
I want to go horse-riding, kart racing, off-roading, quad biking.
I want to ride a horse along the spray of the tide with the wind blowing in my face.
I want to get filthy on a mountain bike going over inaccessible hills and mountains.
I want to see the view from the very top of Cadir Idris.
I want to go to rock clubs and jump about all night with people who are full of energy and a desire to enjoy life through music.

Maybe Clare and I have now gone in different directions. I know that my direction is positive, but maybe Clare has given up all of the things she values in order to be with someone else in which case she is not the person I knew before.

The next two weeks are going to be massively important. They could go one of several ways.
Clare may decide she wants to be with John after all and give it a go in the domestic relationship he is looking for, in which case I will have to leave. It isn't fair to be with someone and still see your ex for all the things you are not getting from your partner, and I will have to make that heart-breaking decision to re-locate and put Clare out of my life for good. That will be harder than finding out she was seeing someone else in the first place and I am going to have months of suffering afterwards, I am fully aware of this. Listening to Nightwish, seeing any reference to horses, even just cooking a piece of chicken will probably have me in floods of tears for a very long time. But people make their choices.

All along I have said how much I love Clare, and in order to show my love I have to set her free - remember the young King Arthur story? Well I have to let Clare go the way she desires, and if that is settling into a life of domestic stability with John then I have to respect that and move on. And move away. Who knows, Clare may turn out to be a changed person. I might bump into her in 20 years from now and she might be a whizz in the kitchen, have three children and a job in a bank. You never know. Whatever she does and whoever she choses to be with I just hope she is happy and with a deep sense of contentment in her heart. She will always have my heart even if we never see eachother or speak again.