"Eyes to the right..."

If I said I was tired right now I'd be lying, I'm shattered! Went to Bristol which was really exciting got a huge buzz getting off the bus and wandering round the city. I used to hate that sort of thing, but I just had the urge to go into a coffee bar or something. Not that I had time, but maybe on Saturday after my post-op.
The first part of the treatment went well - apparently I am extremely fit judging by my eyes (like I didn't know! 30,000 steps a day must be doing some good!)
I am having the surgery on Friday morning, so fingers crossed! Pretty scared, but there's no turning back now, this is my first big conquest with many more to come, so I am not stopping now!

Clare came round this morning and had a very detailed and interesting chat. She told me how she didn't really want to be with John, and moving in with him is a mistake, and she knows he is controlling her and doesn't trust her. I'm happy that she has realised now - only problem is that she is still going along with it all, and getting deeper and deeper into trouble. I don't want to push my opinions onto her however much I am scared that she is going the get hurt (and hurt someone else too) . I will sit back and just be there for her. My spirit guide has sent me in this direction with specific instructions to be there for her in the future as she is going to need me in a big way - well no worries about that, I am ready, willing and able to assist whenever that time comes. Poor girl even admitted she is staying with him because she feels sorry for him, that he can't be on his own. It's all very tragic and damaging both of them as people. They both need to be independent and strong. I know Clare has that potential, but I think John will just run straight back to his ex when this all falls apart.
Clare had a miserable birthday, which I think is unforgiveable to be honest. I mean a birthday is an easy day for a guy to make a girl feel special and he couldn't even manage that. Clare said they were giving it a week to see how they got on before committing to getting a place together - except he had already got somewhere! First day together is nothing but Clare upset, and he still makes her move in with him - ironically in Lympsham - no prizes for guessing why! Near the horse, and she only has to go up the main road to town and back, i.e. keeps her away from Winscombe! If they lived in Cheddar she would have to come past here, and he couldn't risk that! Apparently when confronted with the news that Clare will always want to see me, he started sobbing about why wasn't he enough for her!! This is after less than 30 days as a couple? Glenn Close springs to mind. He is obviously more screwed up than Clare, and needs to go and get help. You cannot be a weak man at 37 and be dependent on having ANY woman at all. It's cruel to the girl involved and unless stopped and confronted he will be a 50 year old insecure man with emotional and behavioural difficulties. Clare needs to help him by forcing him to be single and dealing with his issues, preferably with a professional. Clare needs to be independent so she can deal with her own issues, rather than having to just stick with someone to give them temporary security - which he doesn't have anyway while she still sees me.
What a mess. They both need to go their seperate ways before they damage eachother more. Neither will be happy till they free eachother and deal with their own issues in their own space.

Clare apparently laid the law down to him later on, and from her reaction he sat there quietly making all the right noises, like he would try and be a good boy, but I'm sure when he discovers Clare and I are having Sunday lunch together he will freak again. Not good.

I felt better in Bristol after I had a rest and was able to pick up a plant for Clare's mum as a thankyou for foxy-minding. I also got Clare a little voucher for Superdrug so she can pamper herself with some goodies - I think she really needs to be spoilt a bit and relax. I'd love to take her on a short break just to escape everything, because although she was better tonight, I think it's going to be hard for her, and I am still worried that she is quite fragile. I have had to deal with all this head-on, I have had no escape and that's why I have found peace of mind - my feelings have been dealt with, but Clare has left me and gone straight to someone else, and her mind and body are screaming out for some time out and a chance to do the same. Not going to happen in Lympsham though I'm afraid, not with MI5 checking all her actions. I still stand by the forecast of him proposing and getting her a ring. His other attempts to constrict her freedom are not working, so something bigger is needed. Don't get me wrong, I don't like John because he has done a very wrong thing, and has been part of my heart being broken in two, let alone the pain he may have caused his side of the relationship, but he is a human being and deserves to be treated with kindness, care and respect and he is just having his mental and emotional problems accentuated all the time that he and Clare remain together. Clare too is digging a bigger hole day by day, and when it all breaks down there is going to be more devastation. It's like a 3-way car crash - me, John and Clare all colliding. I span off and hit a tree but the medics got there in time and I am recovering. Clare and John crashed head-on and instead of being taken to hospital they are both trying to just drive off despite their critical injuries. I have my hard hat and sympathy shoulder at the ready...

That's all for now - I am drained - Friday is going to be a killer - I've got to get back home before the pain relief wears off, and can't get water in my eyes for 2 weeks, I have to sleep in a protective mask taped to my face, and have to wear shades all day! What have I let myself in for?!?!? YAY! BRING IT ON! :)