Sunday Dinner, Landscapes and Tears

So, as predicted, the wiping the slate clean and moving on lasted all of 12 hours lol. Clare met up with John this morning and went back on everything she had said last night, and looks like she is going to keep going out with him and move in with him - basically all the things she said last night that she didn't want. I'm sure after another couple of weeks there will be the same conversation again and again until she realises he will never change. Not my business anyway - I just tried to help Clare move on with her life, but the choices and the decisions must all be hers.

Clare came round for lunch after a bit of a delay - she chased up to Crooks Peak after John, who was doing the pityful wallowing and feeling sorry for HIMSELF that I have heard so much about. "Oh, he looked awful and sad", hmmm ok. I've tried to help, but I will just sit it out until Clare becomes sick and tired of it rather than just feeling sorry for him. Weakness in a man is so pathetic and unattractive - I mean whose fault is it really if you are 37 and like that? I have seen people with no arms climb Everest, and blind people run marathons, and people in wheelchairs cross Africa - people who are weak hide behind excuses, and to be honest I'm bored already. If he wants a chat to set his mind at rest then I will gladly help, if he wants to pull his finger out and stop being such a sad pathetic moaner and whiner then good, but otherwise please go and whinge somewhere else - you're 37 for f**ks sake, GROW UP!

OK rant over.

Anyway, lunch... Got to the pub early to avoid the pink rinse crowd and ensure a table - bit too early as it turned out as it only opens at 12. Lunch and the company were amazing. Clare was alive again! First time in 5 weeks or however long it is. Had a good slap up meal and a couple of Jamesons and Coke (I might have to work in there, just to get free samples!). Clare even had dessert so I joined her with some ice-cream (and walked it off later!)
Clare was smiling and really aware of who I was. She was interacting with me in a way we haven't done for years. I think the way she laid the law down to John the previous night had earned her some respect from me and her feeling of at least having one foot on the ground and some sense of reality had woken her up from the artificial trance she has been in for a few weeks. Whatever the reason I had the most genuine fun and sincerely close time I have had with Clare in about 7 or 8 years.
Afterwards we came back and sat in the cosy conservatory and chatted about life, the universe and everything, before Clare got a bit tired and needed to snooze, so she lay on the settee while I read the jobs paper. She looked so peaceful asleep. Like a small elf-like person snoozing in a woodland clearing, and I found myself watching her with a smile on my face as much as I was trying to find a job. I can see why John is besotted with her. I can see why I once was.
When she left she had a smile on her face, so for me it was a case of 'job done'. I have wanted Clare to be happy ever since this sad episode began, and today I think we got there. I know it can't always be like that, and I have no idea what the future brings, but if I have the power to make Clare happy when she is with me, then that's the only reward I need. I walked the dog straight after she had gone and was beaming from ear to ear with a spring in my step. Somehow, and I don't know why, my world is always better when Clare is happy. Life is so damned complex!

I got to the top of the first peak - don't want to risk going too far in the wind with my eyes like this just yet - and just got high enough to see the view.
As I looked out, I saw Glastonbury in the distance and could see the Tor cutting the sky like a new pin through the grey velvet clouds. And then I lost it! I don't know why it happened at that moment, but the realisation that I could see that well, and all the beautiful view in its fertile magnificence just broke me. I burst into tears. The sense of joy in my heart was too much for me to take and I couldn't stop. I had to walk further out in case anyone came past and wondered why I was so upset. But I wasn't upset, I was just overwhelmed with happiness. I had a cry for about 10 minutes, and of course I can't wipe my eyes because of the operation, so I went hope bleary-eyed. Very strange emotions. I felt so happy but was crying, very odd. I am so eternally grateful to everyone at the eye clinic for giving me this gift. If I lived till 100 I wouldn't have time to say thankyou enough. It makes me want to live forever and do everything there is to do in the world just to show them how grateful I am. It really is a modern miracle, and I am so lucky to have had the treatment.
I had renewed vigour for life thanks to my 'guide' who helped me through the most difficult part, but every day I have more and more appetite for life. I love being alive, it is a gift none of us should waste. We never appreciate anything till we have lost it, and surely life is the biggest thing of all. My life's resolution has become 'never waste a day' and I intend not to. I go to bed at night with a peaceful heart, a fulfilled mind, and a strong ambition for the next day. And long may it continue. I don't know why someone or some being decided that I 'deserve' to feel this way, but they have my eternal thanks and the promise that my life will not be wasted, and every minute of every day will be appreciated with the sanctity it deserves.

Wow, heavy stuff eh? Feeling tired after that!

This week I have to be careful with my eyes, so I might phone a few jobs up and send out a few emails, but I don't think I should aim for interviews until next week or the week after. Hopefully I will have the driving license by then too! Hold onto your bull-bars! Locksley is coming!