"Lonely is the word..."

This is hard. Too hard. I miss my life companion. I feel like one arm and one leg have been sliced off me and I'm still supposed to manage like there's nothing missing.
My previous life was nearly all wrong, it was totally screwed up, but the one thing held it together and that was the companionship. There was never a day when I was upset to see that car pull up outside, never. The opposite is in fact true - I used to run down to meet her, open the door and send the dog out to give her a welcome home. I dread 6 o'clock now. I dread every hour after 6 o'clock too. The dark nights don't help. I feel like a prisoner.

I have a prediction. John obviously wants me to vanish out of Clare's life, and he's not going to stop until I'm gone. I know his strength is emotional blackmail, cajoling, and pressure. It's how he 'gained his prize' in the first place. I'm going to see less and less of Clare. He will insist on that and she is too besotted right now to do anything other than what he wants.
I reckon in about 2 or 3 months I won't see her at all. If I do then I'm sure he will hurry up in finding them a place together, and I expect he will propose to her as well to at least get a ring on her finger and trap her further. He will keep reminding her of how unhappy she was with me, how she wanted to be with him, asking if she loves him or not, the usual stuff men do to twist female minds.
I don't think I can cope if she vanishes. Or when she vanishes. The thing that breaks my heart is the fact I know she doesn't want us to disappear from eachother's lives. There is still a great deal of love between us and it is a deep love on a level many people will never attain. It would be a tragedy for us to never see eachother again, but if he has his way then I know we are going to lose eachother.
This is what makes me sad at night. I am being strong, as strong as I can be, but this is harder than I ever imagined. It feels like I am having vital organs removed one at a time and seeing if I can still live.
And all because of silly male ego and insecurity. This is so base a level, it's like rutting stags just trying to fight off the 'opposition' as they see it. Surely we are more mature than that - surely clever mature people can find a way round things?

We'll see...