Back on track.... with little help from within.

Oops! Major de-railment on the emotional train near Winscombe station! Remember what I was told about being ok to go it alone from now on? Well the stabilisers were removed and I promptly fell off into the hedge.
Clare came round again as she had read the blog and got upset about what she saw. I haven't told her everything I have gone through, but hopefully she'll get to read this at some point.

For about 3 or 4 weeks I have been held securely in place by a guiding spirit within me. Every decision I have taken has had this presence to it, leaning on me and steering me to prevent me from doing any damage to myself or others too. A few days ago I was left alone to carry on, but he's back, and holding his sides and laughing hysterically at how he only had to turn his back for a few minutes and I stuffed up!
So where did it all go pear-shaped? Well the one thing I learned (but forgot just as quickly) was the power of patience and stepping back from the scene to take in the information and then deal with it rationally and only in the light of truth. So how did I react to being told that Clare still loves me and one day has a hope that we can be together? The correct answer would be "That's marvellous news, but of course we mustn't rush anything and we still have a lot of issues to resolve, not least the fact you are with someone right now and that will need to run its course without too much hurt being caused to Jon ("h" or no "h"??). Plus you are so confused still and your head is so full of things you haven't dealt with that you need time to sort yourself out and you don't need any more pressure than you are under already. But I will still be here for you as a friend and when the time comes that you want us to try and be together again then we can take it from there..." Yes! That's what I said! What do you mean 'NO IT ISN'T!' What did I say then? Erm... something along the lines of, "Woohooo! Yeah let's be together then! Jon's a twat! Cool!"

Can we see where I went wrong boys and girls? Yes, obvious now isn't it? Slightly unhelpful use of the words 'wanker' and 'loser' probably got in there too.

Fair enough, we kind of dealt with all that yesterday, although the sick feeling in the stomach still hasn't gone altogether. But the aftermath was priceless.
Ok, so she want's to be with me but she's going to keep sleeping with him...hmmm.. ok in that case I'm going to run away to Stoke and never see her again, that'll teach her a lesson or something, or I won't have to deal with it, or the magic fairies will remove all traces of Clare from my memory and I can start again..... yeah... whatever...

For whatever reason it seems that the gods are not happy unless Clare and I are together. It seems like a crack opens up in the very material of the Universe when we fall out or when we try and keep apart. It's like a plug and a socket - when you take one from the other then all the lights go out. Classic example today of how much we are compatible - I was trying to be all comforting about her and Jon settling down and getting married and having kids and all that domestic stuff, and how I will gladly go away and out of Clare's life if it means she can be happy with Jon. So I was part way through saying "If you get married..." when she said "Will you do the photos?"!!!! Who on this planet could say that to another person in that circumstance if they didn't know eachother right down to the core? That awful sense of humour we both share and kill ourselves laughing hysterically about! Clare could say it to me, knowing how I would react - a stranger might expect a fight or at least some kind of fireworks, but Clare and I know eachother too well and have hold of eachothers inner most feelings. It was a beautiful moment in a time of lots of confusion and pressure, and one which just underlines my love for her, and I think the other way round too.

Anyway, 'the owl' is back. I think I might have sort of asked for him back. The thing is he hasn't done a lot, just made his presence known. I think it's more like a policeman watching me to make sure I don't do anything daft again, and to just keep heading the right way.
A lot of this is unfortunately a side-effect of the eye surgery. I was so convinced that I would be stuck in the dark, lying on my back for a week unable to go out that I made no plans at all. I HAVE BEEN CLIMBING THE WALLS! I can't tell you how much I need to go out and do things. I can't go to the pub because of the smoke, I can't go for walks at night because it's already too dark by 7pm. The list of ad hoc activities is tiny - I only use the computer to do this blog and check emails, and after an hour or so of Tuomas impressions my hands are too knackered to play any more. Film4 has it's uses, but TV screens are not my eyes' best buddy right now, so I can only manage one film or a bit of Neighbours (fancy Paul getting shot!?). Sammie is working nights, so can't come out, and frankly most of the other people I met online are erm... I'm trying to be polite... have incompatible intellects?!
Not an excuse I know, but I was feeling the pressure of being stuck in and bored and my head was desperate to fill the gaps. So I came out with a lot of old drivel to Clare because she is the only person I have spoken to this week apart from surgeons and nurses.
I think the comments about Clare came from a place in my head that wanted to escape the difficulites and mental strain of dealing with the fact she is with someone else. If I convince myself that she is not the person I knew then it's easier to move on isn't it? After all, if she is not the same person then I have lost nothing, because the girl I love no longer exists. Trouble is that it's all a load of utter gibbon's bollocks, as Gran would say.
Clare is the same person - but the same person covered in a shroud, like cataracts on the eyes. She is under there, but unrecognisable at first glance. She hasn't changed, just become covered over and her judgment is affected. In fact I would be daring enough to say she has no judgment at all at the moment. Questions like "So why are you with Jon if you know it's not right?" can only be answered if you are in a position to be able to think clearly, and right now Clare isn't. This is of course where I screwed up too. Someone with cataracts cannot see the writing on the wall, so what use is it when their only true friend in the world just shouts "Come on, try harder to see!" If she can't see, then she can't see! Yelling, arguing, and trying to convince her is no use. When the cataracts are removed (something I cannot do) then she will see and she will make her own decisions. Remember young King Arthur again.
It is really really hard watching the person you love go down a path that isn't right, and to get deeper and deeper into something that one day she might not be able to get out of. But the harder I grab her hand and pull, the more she will want to know what is round the next corner and break away, maybe one day to never come back. It is basic ignorant human instinct to grab someone and pull them back, and more so when you love them. I love Clare and if she decides to marry Jon and have kids and become a domestic stay-at-home mum, then that's what is going to happen, and it will happen quicker if I keep screaming "No! Wait!" at her. Clare is a reactionary person. Whatever she feels pressured into, she will do the opposite, so the only right and proper thing for me to do is to stand to one side but with my arms open.
A lot of what I have been thinking is due to the worry of Clare being in any danger. Smoking, drug taking/dealing, insecurity, lack of trust, track record of instability etc are all very bad things and have knock-on effects to those around. I know Jon will do his best to avoid all of them, but this is what we all do when trying to impress a girl. Even the getting dressed up in his best clothes and doing his hair is a sign that he is still in the "Rutting Stag" phase of the relationship, so all of those bad characteristics are bound to be repressed. My worry is what happens when he knows he has got Clare and he stops trying. Do the drugs return complete with suppliers/customers? The insecurity will change into control and dominance. The smoking wherever he pleases will return. Most worrying is the mental/emotional instability - people do desperate things when their emotional well-being is threatened. This is just to fill in the gaps of why I started to pressure her so much the other day. Concern for the future. And I lost the control I have gained over the last weeks. It's all safely back under wraps again now though. Damned hard though, don't you think! I can safely tell you that whatever happens in life I will cope with it after this!

The other thing I got reminded of, which I had forgotten completely, was how I had been told to be strong for when Clare finally really needs me. I think I got scared that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to prevent it from happening in the first place. This was not the right answer. I am supposed to be there like a rock when I am eventually needed. It still scares me a little bit, but then the future is basically a whole chain of unknown events, so if you wanted to you could easily stay up all night wetting yourself about what might happen. Well I don't do that, so there's no point in doing it about one particular issue. Besides, I trust my guide, and he has told me not to worry, just to do my part, and the pieces will fit when the time comes. Intriguing I must say. Cryptic bugger this guide fella! I can't be rude about him - although I think we have the same sense of humour!

Clare is trying to get some art projects started which sounds like jolly good fun to me. Good use of her talents too as opposed to stacking shoes and other ghastly things! To her advantage Jon is still in that "do whatever it takes to keep her" stage, so I'm sure he won't pester her for rent or anything, probably right through to the new year I would guess. The 'keen' stage normally lasts about 5 or 6 months so she should be ok being 'kept' in Lympsham. If not, she can always have the spare room here anyway, so there's no loss.
Off to scan some of her paintings now anyway. I've looked at that rocking horse, and I swear it is only a weekend's work away from being finished - that and a few layers of varnish anyway.

Heavy stuff yet again my friends! (Friends? Nobody else reads this you knob-tickler!) Another day, another tale. This will be a best seller in a couple of years. "How to survive a break-up and not lose you mind" - got a good ring to it eh? Might have to change the names to protect identities. I will be 'Robin', Clare will be 'Marion', and Jon can be 'Guy of Gisbourne' - sorry, couldn't resist! I'll stop being naughty now and give my eyes a break! Only kidding about the 'Guy' gag... Just nipping out to have Cheddar Gorge exorcised....