"Love is a many blended thing...."

Roger Taylor (the Queen drummer, not Duran Duran) once wrote a song called "I'm in love with my car" well I seem to have a blender thing going on! It's the most fun you can have in the kitchen! I'm worried I might poison myself but I haven't thrown anything silly in yet. I used to skip some of the vitamin drinks because I couldn't be bothered to stand there with a fork for 10 minutes trying to beat the lumps out, but now 20 seconds and bingo!....... I need to get out more...

Well I woke up this morning to discover the sky was a bit brighter - no clouds, or not many anyway. Got out with the dog before 6.45 so I missed rush hour on the Strawberry Line! My days are so weird now. I wake up at 5.30 - yes 5.30! Where's that come from? Chris Locksley awake before 9am shocker! I can't believe it myself. I thought I was ill or something the first time, but this is every single morning. It's been like that for a while too, so it's now normal to me. I have checked emails, answered them, checked ebay sales, walked the dog, given her breakfast, had my breakfast and tea, watched the news, all before 7.45am! No wonder I fall asleep at 10pm. I eat small meals and fall asleep at 9.30 - I'm turning into Clare! Last night I was fighting to stay awake at 9.30, especially as there was nothing on telly. There's only so many times you can watch fat people get told that they have sticky poo and they need to eat aduki beans...

Felt refreshed today mentally too. I'm glad the stupid nonsense was got rid of over the last days. It was like there was a little cloud left over that just needed to rain and then it would be gone. Clare seems ok with me again now. Actually more than ok, she's being really nice. Maybe we are both dropping the baggage now. There was an awful lot, so I suppose it was going to take a while.
I keep coming across Buddhist teachings - not looking for them, I just keep finding them. Sent Clare rather a good one by text this morning. It seems like a religion that makes an awful lot of sense to me. Fast forward 5 years and there's me, bald, sitting on the floor in an orange robe... funnier things have happened! I suppose the thing with Buddhism is the belief in Karma. I am starting to think they have a point here. There's a side to it that is about natural justice, and the belief in that gives you great freedom. When people do wrong to you, the ability to forgive just frees you up completely from what has happened. Christianity teaches about "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I always used to read that as 'Please let me off so I don't feel bad and if you do then I will let other people off what they have done to me' but in truth it means 'give me the power to forgive, as the act of forgiveness is the real blessing for me.' Basically if god can forgive all of us with all of our combined faults then surely you can let go of the few things that one person has done to you? Makes sense.

I'm having a crash course in life lessons at the moment. A bit like "My name is Earl" I'm putting right things that I have done wrong. Not always specifically to people, but how people have ended up because of the way I have lived. Having said that, I had a rather emotional moment on this morning's walk with Foxy as I headed up Kings Wood. I had this urge to do something, and I was being pushed really hard to do it too. I was almost arguing with the voice inside me thinking 'no way! I'm not doing that!' and the voice came back with something along the lines of 'this is the truth and the right way to be, and everything you do must be on this path, even when you have doubts and fears.' So I am doing it! I will tell Clare tomorrow when she gets the dog. I'm worried she won't agree or will have doubts, but I can only do what I am led to believe is right.

That sounds more dramatic than it actually is! haha! Anyway, time will tell...

I have decided to go up to Stoke for a week. Abi is pleading with me to go to her birthday meal, and there's about 15 people from Singlepoint going, so I caved in. I need a change of scene anyway, and my attempts to drag Clare away for a holiday break haven't worked yet, so Stoke it is... yay!?? It's just important to have a moment or two away from the intensity of a place, and although Stoke sucks more than a hundred Dysons, a change is a change. It's another group of people to fuss Foxy to bits anyway.

My best camera went in the post this morning. Felt sad watching it vanish over the counter, but whatever needs to be done...
It gives me some time here to think about my next move anyway. If I don't have rent to worry about for a month or two then I can think straight. I'm not making any plans right now - done that in the past and they only change before you get to them. I spent thousands of pounds advertising wedding photography as well as more on the gear itself, and then in one moment my life is turned on its head and the whole lot is wasted. Setting fire to my bank would have been cheaper! Life lesson again there! I should really be angry about how much money I have lost, but it's just been one huge lesson learned. Life needs to be simple, when we make complex plans there's too much to go wrong, and we take certain things for granted. I took Clare for granted and concentrated on the business plans, and look what happened. Never take anyone for granted. If you wake up in the morning next to the person you love and want to spend the rest of your days with, and want to be looking into their eyes in the morning when you both have grey hair and creaking limbs, then tell them each morning when you wake up. If I lived my life again I would have all the bloody answers wouldn't I?!! Shame I'm coming back as a goose next time!

Onwards and upwards - got to post the HDV video camera tomorrow morning. Don't tell David Timms! eek!

There's a huge temptation to put all this money to one side and live on the dole and then buy a cool car when I pass my test! Naughty! Stop saying naughty thoughts all the time!

Lunch time anyway, then Crooks Peak. Ultralase tomorrow for the last time for a while. Can't wait to come off these drops, I can taste them all day!