The long road back to well-being...

Well, what a week - again!
The saga continues, or hopefully for Clare's mental health, the saga ends. She did come round that night and had a meal and watched a DVD. So maybe she is showing signs of inner strength at last. The stunner was what happened the next day.
Clare went over to the cottage while Vernon was out at work. In a clothing drawer she found some video tapes that had been hidden there. On one of the tapes was the previous "K" girlfriend having sex. Why would you keep such a thing when you are with someone else? What are tapes for? They are for watching of course, and sex tapes are for pleasuring yourself with. The fact that this tape had not been destroyed speaks volumes. The fact that it had been brought to Lympsham speaks even louder! Anyone who did not want to see the tape again would have destroyed it instantly, but he didn't - he kept it, and not only that, he took it to a home where it was only supposed to be him and Clare. It is disgusting, sordid and above all dishonest. But that's only part of the story. The other part involves a song, a song that contains the lyrics:
"you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell"

Nice eh? Now imagine putting this song on and then proceeding to masturbate over it as it plays - sordid enough yet? No? OK, now just to add the icing on the cake, video yourself doing this and keep the video with you when you move in with your "LOVE" and the person you share a home with. Nice.

Almost enough to appear on a sex offenders register maybe. But fancy doing it in the first place! What does this say about you? Look at the lyrics! Sweet Jesus, this is insane!

Needless to say, Clare got out of there as fast as she could. Her instincts were spot on.
She has moved back here with me - just for the short term until she can find somewhere else and put her broken life back together and move on.
Well, that was the idea anyway...

Vernon has mental issues - he is insecure, but above all only ever considers his own feelings. He wrote Clare a letter and almost every line in this "heartfelt" letter contained the words "I want". At no point did it ever mention Clare's feelings and what she needs or wants to do - it only dealt with how this was affecting him. This was a letter he was supposed to have been up all night writing, so how did he manage to not think of Clare and her needs during the entire night? Because it has never been about what Clare wants - yet again we go back to the young King Arthur story.
So, the next installment was Clare going to meet him in the pub because she felt sorry for him - the reason she goes back to him time and time again. It's tragic to be with someone through sympathy, and what does it say about the person who is so clingy and needy? Weakness is a most unattractive quality.
So after 2 hours in a pub and hardly a word uttered to Clare she left thinking "what's the point?" and indeed what was the point? In a whole night's letter writing and 2 hours in the pub, Clare's feelings were not considered other than the "well you made your mind up already" negativity. So she left again and was more fed up.
Unfortunately Clare cannot seperate her base instincts of physical lust from the common sense of knowing she is being with someone totally wrong for her - plus the fact she is incredibly bad for him! I doubt either of them have ever been so miserable since getting together. Yeah, they have days out and enjoy that, but I really enjoyed going to the first wedding with David Timms but I wouldn't shag him!
So Clare goes over to check if he is alright, and of course sleeps with him. Well, had sex anyway. Straight after, she wanted to leave - having realised that this is all the "relationship" ever was - just physical lust, and her insecurity about being unable to find anyone else physically suitable leads her straight back to him. So she quickly left and came back home to Winscombe having stated to him that the sex never changed anything.
This is how my relationship with Clare was different - I made love to Clare, I don't believe we ever had sex. It was because I loved her that it was enjoyable. There was nothing better than lying with her afterwards and having a cuddle and holding her and telling her how much I loved her. The act was a confirmation of how much she meant to me, and how giving myself to her in that way showed her that I was committed and vulnerable to her. I would never and have never felt like getting up and leaving straight away. I loved Clare, she doesn't love Vernon.
He was talkative after the event, of course. He had planned it all in advance - the heating was on for a start! Even when Clare was freezing cold and unable to sleep he never sorted it out, she was upset, crying, cold, going outside, not sleeping and in a right state with panic and all sorts, but always in the cold. When sex is a posibility, on goes the heating! He must have had a few of his fake manhood pills to make sure he didn't disappoint too, plus plenty of other chemicals no doubt - he even admitted to taking something, probably hash, but to be honest with his ability to lie and the way he talked when he can't normally, it might have been something else. Let's not forget too what it is like to be a man! A conquest is a huge ego boost and the endorphins give you a false confidence and free tongue, so it's no wonder with the cocktail of chemicals, impotence aids and everything else that he could start to chat like a "normal" person.
This had well and truely worn off the next day however. Clare texted him to see if he was alright, and as there was no reply sent more and more urgent messages for him to contact her. Except he didn't bother - I told Clare he was letting her stew for dumping him, but she insisted that he always checks his phone, it's always with him and that something might have happened to him. So she worried all night and into the morning until eventually calling him. Vernon wakes up very early in the morning, so he must have looked at his phone when he woke up to get the time at least, or to check messages at least. But he didn't answer. Clare phoned him in a panic, thinking he might have done something to himself, but he hadn't - instead she got the familiar dead voice and and excuse that he just hadn't checked his phone. So he got up and didn't look at his phone at all until she rang him, even though he was on his way out to work? Doesn't add up to me - especially with Clare's insistance that he always has his phone on him.

So where does Clare go from here? Well for now she has taken Foxy to her mum's house and is having a natter over there - I don't know if she will tell her mum much about what has happened - it's too seedy to give any of the details really, but her mum needs to know she is safe at least.

It hurts me to see Clare go on making mistakes, and sometimes I lose my cool and try and show her how she is further damaging herself and her prospects of a happy life. There is no way she wants to be in a relationship with Vernon, but she cannot help her feelings of guilt, her feelings of lust, and her feelings of not wanting to upset him. But giving in to someone who is weak because you feel sorry for them, lusting over a physical appearance and feeling guilty are no reasons to be with anyone.

A person doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to break up. The tension builds over time. A person usually tries to "bear" with an ex before the breakup finally happens.
We already know the ways of trying to trap a person into being with you - things like:
What about the time we...
Think about my side for a moment...
This isn't fair...
I can't live without you...
Think about all the good times we had together...
And so on.
My wonderful book contains one golden rule on dating - "If you ignore reality, sooner or later, you are going to get hurt!"

Here's more from the book...
Think of ignoring the truth as trying to defy gravity by jumping out of a window. You can jump out of the 2nd floor and hurt your ankle, or you could ignore this and move on further up to the 3rd floor and jump there. The pain you are experiencing should show you that gravity exists! If you are really blind, then you might end up climbing all the way to the 81st floor before you jump, you might even believe you can fly on the way down, but you just wait for the "SPLAT!"
Would you rather jump now from the 2nd floor or keep it going until the 81st floor before you find out what the reality is? Think about it...
The feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in self pity is a classic manipulation - Why do people get their own way with you? Because they can! They know they can too! So if crying and feeling like the world has ended and there's no point gets you to come back then guess what? They are ALWAYS going to sound like that! It is you being conditioned by their actions. And they will always be like this because they know it works to get you back - you cannot complain that your partner is weak and pathetic and whiny when it is you who is making them that way by going back to them when they act like it!
Another golden rule for a RELATIONSHIP is noting the ability to communicate.
Can you talk face to face (without alcohol, drugs or post sex?)
Do you run out of things to say and have awkward silences?
Do you blame eachother for acting in a negative way that is wrong to you?
Do you ignore the other's feelings in the interest of your own?
Do you think your partner "should know" how you feel?
Do you get angry and frustrated by the inability to communicate?
If you answer yes to any of these questions you have no relationship.

CHARACTER is another vital part of any relationship - again, ask yourself:

Is your partner honest with you or do they conceal things?
Do they trust you?
Are they mature?
Are they mentally/psychologically stable?
Do you share life plans and interests?
Do you share financial outlooks? Can you live with someone who gets into debt easily?
Is your partner clean (of alcohol, drugs, gambling, sexual addictions,etc.)?

Again, if you answer no to any of these your relationship will NEVER hold together despite how much you fight it.

Honesty is vital - if you cannot tell your partner EVERYTHING then you will never be truly close. Lots of people make the mistake of thinking they can help their partner change. It never works. The person will either resist or in the worst case they will bring you down to their level of being - hiding things, feeling insecure, being down and depressed.
Understand you cannot fix or change a person - they will need professional help. They need to understand that they need to work on managing their problems and having a healthy life BEFORE they can have a relationship. Take a look at your partner - do they have a history of failed relationships because of this? How long is the list? What does this tell you about them?
YOU CANNOT HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU HAVE A HEALTHY LIFE. Over time, anger and depression will eventually get to you and become a drag on your OWN physical and mental well-being.

Do people tell you that your partner is no good for you? Don't forget third party opinions are more objective that your own.
Are you living a balanced and healthy life being with your partner? Work on your own life first! You'll thank me in 10 years!
Are you trying to change your partner and "help" them become better? I'm sorry, but if you are constantly trying to change yourself for your partner or the other way around then you are JUST NOT THE RIGHT PERSON for them.

You must never depend on one person - You must be able to live your life happily as a single BEFORE you get into a relationship. After all, how can you take care of another person if you cannot take care of yourself?
Never cling to a person because you are afraid of being alone - Because of your only intention of getting into a relationship is to get someone to share your life with, then you are going to be WAY too needy and WAY too desperate - qualities that members of the opposite sex find most unattractive.
Learn to live alone, outside a relationship. Enjoy freedom AND solitude. Grow a backbone and make decisions for yourself. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF and gain confidence as an INDIVIDUAL.



I think this book is the main reason I have my sanity - In those dark moments where desperation took over and I couldn't cope unless I got back together with Clare, I read it through and the weight dropped off my head each time.
Breakups are hard - really hard. The feelings they create screw our minds up totally and make us do rash things - plenty of those have happened already. And in those moments of desperation we forget all of the things that caused the break up. But people don't break up in one action - it is after a realisation over time that people split - there is not one thing that happens to break you apart but the sum total of a million things, all the things that show you that you are with the wrong person. Fight against that and you will be in a constant spiral of hurt and pain and breaking up and getting back together, and unhappiness.

I learned all this, and it hurt, it hurt too much sometimes, but now I am well-adjusted and content, Clare is my friend and always will be, and the truth will always be the backbone of my life.