Feeling flat

Not so bright today. Several things are occupying my brain, and unfortunately none of them are that positive. My eyes are terrible today - maybe because it is dark, but it's like I have just taken my glasses off! It is very dark though, so I suppose this is what I should expect for winter time eyesight. Even if they get no worse then I am going to have to be like this till April. Very heavy downward pull on my state of mind.
I am also a bit surprised and disappointed by how Clare seems to have moved on. Not in a positive way. When she left me I was under the impression it was because I was holding her back and stopping her getting on with life - the opposite seems to be true. She needs a good kick up the arse and a push into something positive, yet even today I tried to get her involved with a Monty Roberts course and all she could give me were excuses why not to. I got the information off the internet, but she just did that "I can't deal with it all right now" routine and took the papers home with her. She even said it was "unfair" for her to go off on a course when Jon was out at work all day - wasn't unfair for her to leave me heartbroken and go off with another man, but unfair to pursue her life's goals?!? Must be female logic or something...
I'm going up to Stoke on Thursday too, and staying for about 9 days. The thought of Audley Road and nothing to do fills me with dread. It's a dead atmosphere there too most of the time.
Christmas is fast approaching too, and it will be the first time I will be spending Christmas without the love of my life, with no one to give it that special meaning, and even worse knowing that she will be cuddled up in a country cottage with someone else, and I will not even be a brief thought. "Think of me long enough to make a memory..." as the song goes.
It's odd how once I assumed Clare thought of me as the most important person in the world, and now I feel like a forgotten ghost, like none of it ever happened. I still don't understand, and probably NEVER will understand how you can just move straight on to another person after being with your life partner for 13 years. I could never do it. I would never want to do it and more importantly if I had broken my lover's heart I would be incapable of seeing someone else because of how I know it would make them feel. But Clare does what pleases Clare. Not through any malice I'm sure, but she never really stopped to think about how anything really affected me. She has always been like that to be honest - something I used to think of as a naive and sweet little character flaw, but it has grown into something that has bitten my head off. Clare tends to have a thought process of "What do I want to do?" and then much later realises "Oh shit, look what it has done to someone else!" Most of us have an inbuilt sense of care and forethought that prevents us from doing this, especially to those we profess to love.
It is why I accused her of never loving me, but it wasn't like that - she just never thought anything through first where my feelings were involved.
It made me laugh today when she told me about Jon and how I asked what he was like at certain things. Clare had no idea. She doesn't know him at all, and from what I gather about the mess she is making in the house and her "cookery quirks" he has no idea about her either. I can't wait for the day he tries to be amourous after eating fried eggs, or beans, or onions or anything else on Clare's food black list. He will get that horrible rejected sinking feeling I knew so many times just because of his diet. There's nothing like the look on Clare's face as you try and plant a kiss when you have had eggs in your mouth in the last 12 hours! No way, forget it mate! Not going to happen!! There's so many other things to add to the quirks list - she really needs to come with a warning label! How about "This person is nuts. Approach with caution as emotions and feelings may get damaged. Do not invoke sexual action after partaking of dairy, red meat or scented vegetables as rejection often causes offence." Doesn't even begin to cover it to be fair...
Clare just phoned me up after struggling with the computer - seems to be working now. She is so funny - she sounds like an excited child, and I suppose in lots of ways she always has been a child. This is why whichever person she ends up with will end up looking after her, cooking, cleaning, sorting out all her mess, bailing her out of problems and so on... Sounds like a chore and enough to drive you absolutely mad with frustration, but I really miss doing it. I enjoyed looking after her, and I suppose I still am trying too with all the computer help, rocking horses, art, etc. I'd be interested to see how long it takes before Jon uses the expression "Oh for god's sake!" - probably months away I would guess.
Anyway - just a rant of someone on a downer really - going to the peak with Gooby. I need to create a situation where I am busy again. Too much time on hold just now. Maybe the driving license will come soon. Just not looking forward to Stoke much...