Owls, Heavy Rain, and Insecurity...

Ok, so a word of advice to start with... The rocks at the top of Crooks Peak are slippy when you are out in driving rain. Be careful! Now Foxy managed ok, so I just have to be grateful that there were only two people who witnessed me christen my new tracksuit bottoms in the mud, and now I have a bruised arse to go with my bad foot. Still, you can't beat getting in after a good long walk and a soaking, and getting in a hot bath and clean clothes! Luvvverrrly!

On the way back from the Peak I had a visit - it was the owl or grey-white figure. Just appeared like that, but this time a little bit more obvious and less in the background. So I remembered what Clare said this morning and I bit the bullet and said "Who are you?" to which the immediate reply came back "I am you!". I nearly fell over backwards. I nearly cried. Emotions kind of swept through me in a torrent and I felt most strange. I said "what do you mean" to which the answer came back with a smile "Well I am not actually you of course, but I am within you. I have always been here. It is only what has happened to you recently that made you discover me, I have been here all along, but it is now that you need me."
I left it at that. To be honest it was a little bit too much to take in at once. You start thinking of the word schizophrenic and voices in the head, but I know it wasn't. My head is so over-run with stuff at the moment, but I am dealing with it all perfectly well. I think it is the reassurance of this guardian figure that makes me feel safe to tackle anything and everything.

When I got back the phone had rung and there was a message from Ultralase. Just a courtesy call, but she wanted to know if I wanted to book the surgery date! So I said YES - is there any other word at the moment? Anyway, Friday the 6th October I shall either have perfect eyesight or be registered blind! lol. She said, "Don't come alone though this time" and I said I probably would have to be, and was told that I have to sign a disclaimer in that case. "Disclaimer for what?" I thought. Apparently if I walk under a bus because my eyes are fuzzy and my head is all over the place (which can happen when confronted with having perfect vision for the first time in your life) then they can't be sued! lol. Cross that bridge when I get to it. Might just have to bite the bullet and get a taxi from Clifton to Winscombe (ouch!).

Clare came round this morning, looking suitably chirpy if a little fragile. I miss seeing that big Rav4 pull up outside. Foxy was pleased to see her and a bit confused too most likely. Humans struggle with things like this, I don't know what dogs must be thinking?
Seems like my presence is causing discomfort for a certain person. The ugly word 'insecurity' popped into the conversation. I remember insecurity. It was a long time ago, and with a previous girlfriend. Ironically it was over someone she used to see and ended up being best friends with afterwards. I couldn't get my head round that concept and I went down the path that insecurity leads to. Insecurity>possessiveness>jealousy>anger>control>dominance>...well it goes on, but the rest of the list is thoroughly unpleasant. It eventually conspired to end that relationship, albeit after two years, but I know I never trusted her, and that's why I was insecure. It is very selfish to expect someone to turn off all their emotions after 13 years, and put them all onto you. Selfish and naive. It shows a lack of trust more importantly it is the beginnings of control. Insecurity is a 'self' word. You can't be insecure 'for' someone, it is all about you. But then I've been down this route before. I know who is interested in self above all else, but that's the way it is. If my precious china angel gets hurt then that's a different matter....
Clare "wants" to move in with him. I can't help thinking this is for ease and to escape her parents house rather than a positive reason. It was the reason she gave. It's none of my business and I would never stop her from doing anything, but I am worried. I'm sure it will all be rosy to start with, but Clare still has her 'interior baggage' which was nothing to do with either me or any other relationship and this is bound to move in with her. The 'itchy feet' to do something with her life, the need for travel, the desire to achieve, the longing to find herself.
Sure, it's exciting to be with someone new - it's the reason people have affairs - the magic, the mystery, the sex with a new person. It's all exciting, but it's all surface. There's no depth. Clare can't be over me that quickly, and you can't move in with someone if you are not completely over the last breakup. I'm going on a bit again. I just remember what my 'guardian' told me. I'm sure Clare will be ok for now, so in that case so am I. She knows I am always here to lend an ear and a shoulder if necessary.
Very odd how I feel for Clare. Very odd how my feelings have become focused so sharply. I love her more now than I ever did when we were together. It's like a huge blanket has been taken from over her head and I can see exactly who she is and what she means to me. In a way I feel like a very over-protective big brother. If anyone hurts her it will test my new patience and placid life-style. Just as long as she always knows I am here I hope it will give her the security to make the right decisions and not worry about the risks or the pitfalls of failure. I just don't want to see her hurt any more, she's had enough of that to last a long time. Most of that being my fault, and a regret I take to my grave.

Totally knackered now - walking in driving rain is hard work - Foxy is not too keen either! Poor thing look awful when we got back. It took 10 minutes with her towel before I dared to even get her inside. She's dozing now, I can hear the dreams...

Might go to the Woodborough tonight - feel like intimidating some barmaids or something lol. Only for an hour though, Saturday night is not a good night to be in there after 9pm.

Another day, another mile walked forwards towards fulfillment. On the top of Wavering Down is a stone with the words "They are only hills, but they are all the world to me" - someone had put it in memory of someone who has died. Moved me. People are lovely. As Tiny Tim would say "God bless us all, every one!"

A few days of silence...

What a difference a day makes, and all that. A very important thing needs to be remembered when setting about trying to win back your girlfriend - ask yourself if you really want to!

It's really easy to miss your other half, and all the things about her. But then have a good look at your relationship - look really close. When you have been with someone for 13 years then you have a list about 10 miles long of connections with her, things you have in common, things you like about her, things you can't live without. Conversely, although you probably don't think about it at the time, you also have a list of things where you don't match and issues that cause trouble and things that will push you apart - they already have of course, that's why you are on your own!

Now the temptation when feeling vulnerable is to latch onto all the good stuff and forget the rest - but the rest is what drove you apart! It's all very well saying "well let's change it then", but maybe the things on the 'wrong' list aren't things you have any control over.
If there is no sexual chemistry there any more (i.e. she doesn't look at you with those 'ooooooh!' eyes any more) then that's a thought process going on in her head not yours. You cannot alter the content of another person's head. Well, you can try, but that's manipulation, and there would be only bad results in the long term. Imagine being tricked into going back into a relationship - it really would be the end, and it does you no favours.
New relationships are totally different from old ones, or even working at saving old ones. New relationships are entirely based, from a male perspective, on physical attraction. I remember a couple of years back how Clare was on medication that made her weight balloon, and she lost a lot of confidence and I have to say also lost the ability to do her jeans up! But at the time I still thought she looked beautiful, and wanted her just as much as ever. This was after 11 years or whatever of being together, so for me the physical side of it was totally altered. I found Clare sexy because she was Clare - the extra weight and all the rest of it was just unimportant nonsense that I couldn't see, and she was the person I fancied - period.
Now in a new relationship, that bond has not had time to develop - and it really does take time! I think for men it is probably longer than for women, but I would guess it's heading for a good 7-10 years before you get there.
New relationships are all about short-term physical desire. Take a night club. Wandering around eying up what is available, taking them home, waking up next morning, and saying you'll call them. You call them a week later and meet up and think "hmmm actually, nah!" OK this is shallow and a ruthless interpretation of what goes on, but it is in essence correct. You see men and women to a lesser extent window shop. It doesn't matter that the pair of shoes you have on are brand new and perfect for you, you still stop and have a look at some others, many others, imagining what it might be like with them instead.

Since being dumped, I went onto Match.com and put my details and photo up. This is where my revelations come from - how I have been communicated with over the last week or so.
None of the people who I have spoken to or met have any idea about me as a person. I have told them things and they have experienced things, but I could be an axe-wielding paedophile for all they know! Yet despite that I get told I have great eyes, I have "artistic" hands, I love "the way you look at me from under that fringe" etc... I could tell you some of the other things women have said, but just in case my mum ever reads this I better not post them!
So this emphasises my point - the start of any relationship is purley one of physical attraction, nothing more. Don't kid yourselves with Hollywood notions of romance, because it really is made up in the movies!
The flip side of this is friendship. This is where the major problems really start!
Friendship and romantic/sexual involvement are totally unrelated. They are polar opposites. The problem is that the feelings often stimulate the same area of our brains, so we confuse the two. Often a man will tell a girl with all confidence that he "loves" her, when inside he knows that really he wants to get her into bed. He thinks he loves her though - but it is that point at which those mushy feelings cross-over and the desire for one thing is confused with meaning something entirely different. A girl will often think she wants to be with a man in a sexual way because she has feelings for him in another way. The old conversation that two girlfriends will have about the regret of sleeping with someone, only to tell the other "well I slept with him because I love him" - meaning, 'if I hadn't he'd stop being so nice to me!'
This can work the other way around, but usually it is the male who confuses the physical attraction with something deeper and the female who confuses the caring side with the physical contact.
To be coarse and vulgar about this - ask yourself a question. When you see this person, what's the first thing (honestly) that goes through your mind? Is it 'aww it's him, I'm so happy to see him' or is it 'I must have that cock right now!' (sorry mum!) - Likewise, is it 'Aww she's here bless her, I wonder how she got on today' or is it 'she's here! look at that arse! I wonder what she looks like topless...' - The truth always comes out in time, especially when the sexual mystery has passed. Sleep with a guy for 6 months and then see how pleased he is to see you...

This all sounds rather bitter and twisted, but in a nutshell this is how relationships work. What do groups of women talk about regarding men?
"Where did he take you? What's his car like? Did he say anything nice to you? What's his family like? Did he treat you to something nice? What did he buy you? Did he hold your hand and say he loves you? Did he give you a lovely smile?".... and so on...
What do the group of men say?
"Have you shagged her yet?" - end of story!

I'm so glad to be a man - I would hate to be a woman at the risk of being confused and used by male manipulation. And boy are some of us good at it. A friend of mine called Nigel was probably the most skilfull I have known - he always knew exactly what to say to make a girl feel special, cared for and loved - and then dump them when they were crap in bed!


So at least the difference between a new and old relationship should be fairly clear - despite how people try to disguise it or pretend otherwise.

My relationship with Clare has 500 million connections running through it - everything from humour, emotions, excitement, sadness - but with one noticeable thread that has snapped. The 499,999,999 connections that remain in place are as strong as ever, but the sexual attraction cable has snapped off and frazzled. So what do you do about that?
I tried two courses of action that I thought would work - firstly I thought 499,999,999 out of 500 million is close enough, so let's have her back! Come on, let's be together again, I must win her back! But that isn't right, and it can't and won't work.
So I tried the other course of action - go away! Keep away from me, I don't ever want to see you again. Again this is nonsense! Throw away 499,999,999 connections because of one single broken one? That felt wrong too.
So this is how I got really confused. I sent her contradictory email after contradictory email unable to fathom why neither course of action was right, or even felt right. Whatever I said felt uncomfortable and left me feeling desperately sad and lonely. Then the penny dropped.
The date on Monday made me realise all of what I have described above. This was the link that was broken, not the rest of it! The expression "let's be friends" sounds like such a crap wimp-out when a relationship ends, but it doesn't mean that - it means "let's keep the other 499,999,999 connections going as they always have been! Just because one has broken doesn't mean it's over completely as two interconnected human beings!" Does a rope bridge with 500 million ropes fall down because one snaps? No, it would take probably 400 million before it falls. Would a person who lost one hair on their heads be classed as bald if they still had 499,999,999 other hairs still attached? NO, OF COURSE NOT!
I know Clare has found that one single rope with someone else, and I too have now experienced it - I sat in a pub for 4 hours chatting to someone, based entirely on this one connection (from her point of view - I was in a bit of a trance about the whole thing, so I don't even know what I said!) and even had a chat and a kiss in the car park afterwards - but it was one connection, that's all! Your tummy goes in knots and you get a fluttery feeling and start imagining that this person means all sorts to you, when really they don't. After the date you think "Aww they are so nice, I like them, I wonder where we go from here?" but really you have just thrown that first shallow and surface rope across to start the bridge, or a hair transplant with one hair attached to a bald head. You have no idea how or even if this is going to continue - maybe the first hair was ginger and you were too besotted to even notice!? Anyway - I'm going off at a tangent now.

So Clare is coming round tomorrow, and with a bit of luck I can still be with her on all the other 499,999,999 connections as long as we both live! Whoever she ends up with and in whatever situation, it's going to be a very long time before she has 500 million connections with anyone, and as for me, I'm quite happy to have 499,999,999 with her and should the need take me then one connection with someone else and build from there. Personally I don't care at this moment in time - I have spent far too many years dwelling on one thing and not doing anything with my life at all - I have lost time to make up here! There's more to life that that one connection and right now my attitude to life is taking me to all kinds of weird places - I'm going to Scandanavia to record an album next year! Yes I really did say that!! My driving license application is here, I am having my eyes lasered within the next couple of weeks, I'm moving house in November, and I have about 37 women who want to meet me on Match.com - the poor fools! haha!.... Hard life isn't it!?? :)

Cold light of day time...

What a strange day yesterday was. For the first part I felt on a real downer, then last night felt really good but really weird.
I feel like a bit of a con-man here, I mean I wasn't consciously doing anything, but having read "that book" I'm sure I just say all the right things these days! I think last night I could have pretty much ended up in any situation I wanted to, but of course I didn't. I think the important part of my "relationship training" is the fact I know the reasons why things happen, and why people react and how they react. It's not about using your knowledge to get anywhere, rather it's about understanding more about yourself. The old cliche about being a 'changed man' and all that. I'm not ready for a relationship anyway, so none of it matters at this moment.

One of the reasons I was dumped was because I was so boring and never wanted to do anything. So now I have changed my attitude to that too. I never did anything particularly and always looked for a problem so I could say no to everything. Well now I say "YES!" to everything, which is why, on October the 4th I have to get myself to a clinic in Clifton (not sorted out how just yet!) while my eyes get zapped by means of lasers and all that! Exciting stuff eh? Scary too to be honest, but I really don't care any more.
I can't go through life hiding any more, so from now on everything is a "YES". My plan is that I will cap all of this daring new adventure by getting on a plane. Only to Scotland or something and back on an EasyJet thing, but it will be an important barrier broken through. Once I have perfect eyesight, my driving license, and been on a plane I think I will have made significant ground forward.
It's easy to say you have changed, but you need to prove it to yourself by accomplishing things, so it all has to be done, otherwise only my mind has changed, and it's the actions that need sorting.

I wonder what today will bring? Well, my mum on a train for one thing, I suppose the next couple of days are fairly obvious in that case, but then that's usually when the unexpected happens!

OK - so the date... hehe
I went on a date? Apparently! Don't really know what I'm doing at the moment to be honest!
God knows why I even did it, but for some reason she seems to like me - well I got this text when I got in "I had a great evening, thankyou - Was gonna email you but couldn't wait for PC as I'm shattered - Laughed so much! Just what I needed! Sleep well xxx"

Hmmm... seems to have gone ok then - she seemed to like me too. I have not had a woman like me for about 9 years! I was only going to stay an hour, and then I get in at 11:56pm after spending an hour chatting in the car park outside the corner shop in Winscombe.
You know what - I'm not such a bad old stick after all! And yeah - she kissed me - eek! I was crap! I was taken by suprise actually, so that's my excuse. Feels odd. Feels like I am being unfaithful. I know I'm not, but it is all rather weird. I don't know whether it's the fact another woman likes me or whether I just can't let go of the person who left me, but it is odd none the less.
She thinks I'm a crap kisser now anyway, so that's that! lol

Don't know how I feel right now - quite chuffed, but sad. Life is odd. Anyone have an instruction manual?

Today has not been a good day. Don't know why. I was doing so well.
I was warned by a friend that there would be dark days, even though I have come out the other side of the suicidal depression. "Roller Coaster" was the phrase she used. "Don't expect to keep going without any drawbacks, because you will have them I assure you" and she was right!
I have that bloody James Blunt song in my head too, "Goodbye my lover, you have been the one for me" so that's not going to help is it?!
Can't shift it today - been running up to Crook's Peak, done some weights, anything I can try and think of to get rid of this awful sense of loss, but today I have done nothing but cry.
Even watching Gordon Brown on the news made me cry - that's how bad it's been! Maybe tomorrow I will be better.

I've got a date tonight as well, so turning up crying might not help an awful lot! Don't know why I'm even going to be honest. I mean, great, let's go and see a girl shall we - and then what? What are we expecting out of it?
Make your ex a bit jealous? Hope she doesn't like the thought of you being with someone else? Hmmm these would be bad reasons wouldn't they. Thing is she doesn't give a shit, she was actually excited at the prospect of me meeting someone else -
I could do with meeting people, but my stocks of trust and willingness to show vulnerability are down to the bottom of the barrell.

I think I might have sussed the problem - this morning I got an email from a tack shop that I had ordered Clare's birthday present from. They said it is now ready and will be delivered this week (in time for her birthday) - oops! Yeah, bummer eh? When I ordered it I had no idea that we would be in this situation, and I think my problem is that I don't know what to do with it! I don't want to sell it because it was a lot of effort just to ditch, and anyway it is a present for the horse as much as anything!

I think I might just leave it with her stuff when she collects it. I don't want to contact her again, as I get the impression I am becoming whiny and annoying. She has moved on and she is as likely to come back to me as the Pope is of converting to Islam.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up with a smile again, I hate feeling like this - no, wait! Mum is coming down tomorrow! Ahhh.... ok, maybe not then... :)

So how did I get to this point?.... Well I was dumped wasn't I - Did I see it coming? No. Do I feel the same now as I did when it happened? Nope – not at all! And here's why... Don’t take any of this as a bitter jab, or sour grapes. To me it was enlightenment I gleamed from reading possibly the greatest book on earth, and one I wished I had read years ago. It has saved me from my despair and opened my eyes with the most surprising and often shocking truth about men and women. When you read it you find yourself saying “Oh yeah! Of course!” more times than you would imagine. It is by a psychologist and expert relationship counsellor and I think it should be given to everyone on their 18th birthdays… but that’s another matter… I was with my partner, my love, my 'everything' for almost 13 years, and to cut the story right down to a quick line, she told me that she wanted to stand "on her own two feet" and be independent, and she left. One week later I found out this was a lie and she was really seeing someone she met at work. Now that sucks big time doesn't it? I mean getting dumped is bad enough, but then to be lied to on top? Ouch. Imagine the pain of being kicked in the reproductive area. Now for a man that is close to the feeling of having Fatima Whitbread use your anus to store her javelins in. Being dumped like that was about 1000 times more painful. But a pain in the heart. The bombshell of rejection is a shock like seeing a hungry tiger running towards you in an open field, or a crazed gunman aiming his rifle at you in a crowded street. It's a sudden shock you want to run away from, but you can't. The shock is located in your heart and your head, and no amount of running away and screaming will ever shift it. What’s the first thing you want to do about this? You don’t want to hurt like this do you? You can’t stand the pain. Yeah alcohol helps doesn’t it? Well yes and no. More on that another time. What you really want to do is convince her to come back, you’re sorry (what for?!?) and things will be different, but please don’t be with someone else, please be with me!! But then, maybe we need to look between the lines a little here. Let’s look closely at what really happened. She has lived with me since she was 19. Now 19 is young, and to be with one person all that time means you have no idea or experience what life would be like with someone else. He is 37, and has conveniently just dumped his ex too ( coincidence?) Secondly, they work together. Work relationships are always successful aren’t they (sarcasm mode enabled)? What do you know of people you work with? Well they fall into two categories. Either you like them and they are your friends, or you hate them because they are arse lickers/earn more/work less/get preferential treatment and so on. So you love them or hate them. Simple. So if that person looks “hot” in your eyes then it’s all fantastic isn’t it? I mean, look at the person you live with compared to this man. Your bloke is at home, he snores, he farts, he watches football, he leaves his socks on the floor, and so on. Now take a look at Mr. Work. He’s lovely. He’s such a gentleman, he opens doors for you, he asks how you are, he tells you that you are amazing. WOW! He has absolutely no down side to him at all! I need to get me one of those! Of course the farting, watching football is all done in his house, WORK MATES HAVE NO NEGATIVE SIDE! You will never see it until later.So what kind of person are you? Well you are already dating someone else when you meet my girlfriend, and men being men and the unknown sexual fantasy always beats the reality that you have, so yeah let’s go for it. She’s cute, and has a nice smile too. And boy does that bottom look amazing in those jeans. So you dump your girlfriend in order to get this new one. Sorted. Now I’m not sure of the order here, but it matters not. Either you dump your ex and convince this girl to do the same (“you deserve to be happy”…”I’m your friend, you know that”…”You deserve so much more”…”You are so amazing I can’t believe you are unhappy, it must be him, it can’t be you”…). Or you wait until, and encourage the breakup of her relationship (make a move on her, tell her she’s great all the time, how she needs to be her own person etc.) and then now you have the green light you can ditch your current one – I mean why keep her? You’ve had sex with her, you at least know what she looks like without clothes on, you know what it’s all like, so where’s the challenge? Can we see where this is going guys? Come and be with me, because I’m good looking and I am your friend (should only take a couple of months to get inside those pants if I am this nice to her). So what happens now he is at work and my ex isn’t any more. He still works in the same place, surrounded by girls, in the same situation he was when he was with his previous girlfriend, the one he dumped for mine. But my ex is not there, not able to keep and eye on him, not able to see who he chats to when having a drink after work. He is now surrounded by a whole batch of different, new and exciting girls. Here come all the new starters, great! And hey, that one is really nice, and my current girl is old news now, I mean I fancied her when I had my old one, and I did dump the other one very easily because I'm good at this 'making girls feel special' thing, so I think I might just go and tell that new starter over there how amazing she is, how I will always be here as a friend, and see what happens… … and so it continues… So is he so great? Quite obviously he is manipulative, and very clever at it. Women love to feel special, and the classic line that all guys use to bed girls is that old “I don’t care if we don’t end up as lovers I just want to be your friend..” which makes the girl feel so special, and ooh isn’t he so much different from ordinary men. It works every time, because women always want their man to be different. They want him to be that comic book perfect man who will be so kind to you, and at the same time will be amazing in bed (as long as his mum’s out at church) when the time comes. Well guess what? The truth hurts. Ask yourself this. If he is such a gentleman and is such a good friend, then why did he dump his ex in a flash to be with you? Because the only person’s feelings that matter are his! Quick test for you. If you want to know whether a man is a really good friend and will not push you for sex, tell him this “I really like you as a friend and I really value our friendship, but I want to make one thing really clear. I don’t want to ever have sex with you, I don’t like you in a sexual way - our friendship is too important to me!” This works a treat and you get one of two answers. Firstly “OK, of course, I understand, you know I am always here for you as a friend” and then watch as the phone calls and texts diminish steadily over the next month, until you get the “I’m a bit busy at the moment” call. Unless you are stupid or desperate enough to give in earlier and let him have what he wants – then magically you will have your friend back! Secondly you get the other answer. In some kind of phrase you will get “We will still be friends even after we have sex, I promise you that. I will always be your friend, and sleeping with you will prove that because you will see how nice I am to you afterwards”. Worrying thing is that they always work – well at least in the short term. Women love to feel special, and why not? So how do you make a woman feel special? You tell her what she wants to hear. And then what happens? She trusts you, and when she trusts you she is more likely to sleep with you. I mean she fancies you anyway, so telling her what she wants to hear will just tip the scales, and bingo! There are no lengths to which a man will not go to get sex. A sex drive is the most basic instinct in a man’s body, so the fact he flew to Edinburgh to meet you, or bought you a bracelet or answered the phone at 3am and came over to see if you were ok are all prices worth paying! Men know you can’t force women to sleep with you – I mean some meat heads still try and this works to the sly and cunning men’s advantage. Women know that seedy, ignorant men use the forced technique and despite the fact some women go with it, most don’t, but they are aware of it. So when the cunning men try the “I’m different” approach, then women melt! He’s so nice, he doesn’t force me into anything, and he is my friend most importantly and we will always have that. He’s always there for me and he doesn’t expect anything in return. Give it time, then prepare to pick up the pieces. Friends are friends – what makes a true friend different from anyone else is that nothing is expected in return. Nothing. Friendships have no conditions, a friend can even be a friend to you when you are not to them. You can be nasty to someone, ignore them, and then find out in your hour of need that they are there for you. Now compare this with the “friend” who is being so nice to you, despite the fact they fancy you. Ask yourself this – if you were 3ft tall, 15 stone and had facial hair, how much do you think they would be your friend? It is not necessary to dump your girlfriend in order to be someone’s friend. So why did they? Because they want sex. You can have a girlfriend and still be friends with someone else, you can give them a lift, have a drink, hug them, reassure them. But if you want sex, then you can’t have baggage! So she has to go. So now at least we have established the reason. He wants sex. He dumped his girlfriend in order to clear the way. If he was your true friend he would still have been with his girlfriend, not syncronised the breakups! He doesn't know you, you are work mates, you only know the positives, so telling you are an amazing person is something he doesn't even have the information to make a decision about! You are pretty and I want to sleep with you is what is really behind the comments and compliments. So he’s being nice, but we know why, and we know what to tell him in order to prove this. But some women don't want the truth. The illusion of a special friend who cares is one they need right now, as they have no one else. So they go along with it, just hoping it's not true - but have already proved that it is. So why am I not concerned anymore? Why was I so beaten up by it and now I’m not? Simple. He’s not worth it! It would hurt to be dumped for Brad Pitt – I mean he is wealthy, successful, and if you compared yourself to him and came off second best then you know your girlfriend was shallow, interested in money, and most importantly was only concerned with looks. Imagine that – being dumped for someone else and knowing it’s because you are uglier – ego dives down the drain! But to be dumped for someone who dumps girls in order to move on to the next, and lies about being a friend in order to make out and hopefully more, simply means your girlfriend has been conned. I can run my own business, wash my own clothes, cook, clean, sort any mess out for anyone else, good with my hands, always make sure my partner is sexually satisfied before I am, I am a technical whiz with computers, video, anything I turn my hand at. I am kind and considerate and always strive to help others. I would never dump anyone – any breakup would be mutual and caring for the other person so the hurt was reduced to an absolute minimum. I have never tried to come onto anyone for sex either directly or in a sneaky deceiving way, and have only ever had long relationships with girls, because it was based on love and friendship, not how quickly I can get their pants off by being thoroughly charming. More importantly I am strong - I have come through the worst weak of my life and not only survived it, but found inner strength and resilience to move my life in a positive way. Irrespective of any relationship I have worked on myself and started to put in place a much better, stronger and more confident life, and as a result I wake up each morning excited about the day ahead and the pleasure and opportunities it may bring me. Now my ex is very naïve – I call it being sweet, but she is dangerously naïve and gullible. She listens to people around her and gets led astray despite what she knows to be the truth in her heart. On several occasions she has made huge mistakes because she listened to what others told her and followed them, even though inside she knew the truth. Numerous times have I had to help her pick up the pieces and rectify mistakes that she has made only because she was led on by others. This is the irony. She has always been independent and has always known the right thing to do, but allows others to influence her and push her the wrong way. In many ways she is just a child, a little lost soul looking for someone to care about her and listen to her. So maybe that’s where I lost her. I stopped listening, and I didn’t always take her seriously. Ok so there are some regrets still, but I can’t change the past, only the future. But she wanders out into the world looking for independence and friendship and is taken over by someone whose best interests are not hers. More importantly, she has devastated the person she loved most in the world and stabbed him in the heart, and that is something she has to deal with not me! I have no guilt, I have not hurt anyone, but she has, and she knows it, and it is hurting her deep inside. If anything she is now the one who is hurt most, because whatever happens she has done what she has done – despite knowing how it would make me feel, she lied to me and dumped me for someone else. I would feel awful until my dying day if I had done that, and I don’ t think the feelings would ever leave me. So back to the point in question – why am I ok with all this? Well think about it – He dumps people on a whim when someone else comes along, and he is sly in his ways to get women interested in him. She is a lost soul, who despite knowing how much I would hurt, still dumped me in the worst possible and deceitful way, and is quite happy to entertain and be with someone who will break her heart in the end when the truth comes out in 2 months/6 months/ or whenever. My point is, after much rambling – we are dealing with bad people, or at least people who act badly to others. They are doing it to eachother too! She wants a friendship that isn’t there and is so scared of losing it because she doesn’t even know anyone else to talk to who she would call a friend, so she will eventually let him do what he planned all along. And he will take her for a ride, like he did his ex, and dump her when she is last year’s news. I would be upset if I was dumped and the two kindest and loveliest people on the planet were now together. It would make me feel like less of a person because I am not worthy. But the truth is that they both have and continue to act in a terrible and insensitive way, each using the other for what they want out of the relationship. So I have lost out on nothing here. I have had an endless stream of visitors/callers who have all expressed identical opinions. If I was wrong, then surely someone would have said something different, but all opinions are the same. I have even had the local vicar round this afternoon, and even he came to the same conclusions! Enough people have told me that I am a good person, and that I didn’t deserve this, and that no good will come of what followed, and I have listened to them. I feel a great weight has been lifted – the truth is out and everyone can see it plainly. So thankyou to Mr Panzeralla for your excellent book, and all the people who have either called in person or phoned to set me straight – the truth is a wonderful thing. It rescues you from the prison of your mind, and gives you the freedom to move on in your life! I was at the point when I thought nobody cared about me - and now I have found that not only a lot of people care, but people I don't even know have come into my life and shown me much support, love and care. My view on human nature has not only been changed, it has been reversed totally. I honestly believe that most people have a lot of love and a lot of good inside them. It has been a truly humbling experience! As for my ex…. Well I love her don’t I, I always will. She knows that, and it is probably the security of knowing that I will always love her that gave her the green light to go and cheat - I mean if you know that the person will still be there whatever you do, it means you are free to do it! I feel very sad for her right now. My emotions have been mostly repaired, but I don’t think hers have. And stuck at her mum and dad’s house, with no job, a “friend” who is manipulating her, and at 33 the prospects of reaching the unreachable dream she still searches for seem just as far away as they always were. Happiness is in your heart, my sweet angel, it doesn’t exist out there anywhere, or in whatever you try and do with your life. It has to be found in your heart, then you will see it in all you do and everywhere you look. I love you Clare, and I always will. I am so sorry that you destroyed what we had in looking for something that just isn’t there. I know in your heart one day you will see clearly, as you always do in the end. You know what is right and wrong, and you will see where happiness truly lies. I only hope that in the years ahead you discover your true self, and find inner strength to be happy with your life without the need for things, people, ventures, plans or anything else, and you gain peace in your heart. No one goes with another person in an intimate way, even kissing, when they have just ended a 13 year relationship. Not only is it wrong, it is not real. You are either lying about the previous 13 years or you are lying now, no human is so detached from their feelings that they can be intimate with a partner of 13 years one week and then intimate with a new person the next. Natural law tells you that the ending of the previous relationship would be so traumatic that there is no way you could just move on to being intimate with someone else the next day or week. You would not be emotionally ready to offer sexual advances to anyone with the memories of the previous person still so raw and close in your mind. You know why you are doing this. To please him, and keep a "friend". But you know that already, and almost admitted as much when we met up. As I told you then, never do anything for the wrong reasons... This is a classic case of how women confuse love and sex. A woman will kiss a man as a sign of love (or what they perceive as love, affection, close friendship) whereas a man kisses a woman because it feels good sexually. Remember the phrase "women play at sex to get love, men play at love to get sex". It is and always has been true. You are kissing him in order to keep him as a friend, he is kissing you as the first stage to getting what he really wants. I hope that the close friendship we once shared can still be found somewhere in our hearts, and that whatever happens to us both in the future we will always remember what we had with a smile. The holidays, the adventures, the homes we have lived in, the triumphs and the tragedies will never be deleted from my mind. I will never forget the day I looked into you eyes and thought "She's the one" and you have been a wonderful chapter in my life. I will always be there for you, my love is real and everlasting. Please take care of yourself, you are too special not to. Chris.