What a week!

Well, where do we start...? We start with a prediction actually - the rest of the story later, but I predict Clare will not come around tonight as she said she wanted to, she will give in to the ridiculous emotional cripple she lives with and make up with him. Ok rant over.
Working in reverse order - Clare came over this morning, well actually very early - I was out with the dog and eventually met up with her on the Strawberry Line - she was in tears. Jon had dumped her! He had grown tired of her and her little ways and agreed with her that they had nothing in common. Then he texted her back in an over-friendly way, and later on that morning he asked her to come back so they could talk! Yes, we can all see where this is going can't we dears? I had arranged to get a DVD and a Chinese to take her mind off it, and she REALLY wanted to do that - as opposed to watch Jon drink a couple of bottles of wine and sit there in silence all night. I reckon she won't come though - she gives in to him so easily - maybe that's why she left me, because I am a real man and have strength, and there's something about a pathetic weak-willed man that appeals to her. God knows. And so her living hell continues...

Jayne came round at the weekend - I think I should leave most of the details out! She was all over me like a rash, and we did stuff I have never experienced before! I lost count at the number of times we had sex, although I think it was 6 in total, and I eventually got to sleep at 4am. Then I woke up to take the dog out and when I got back I was summoned back to bed to carry on! My bits are exhausted! Very strange positions I ended up in too! Rather pleasant though I have to say. It was nice to feel sexy again. To have someone make "phwoar!" noises when you take your shirt off. To be appreciated. To be valued and most of all made to feel attractive. She couldn't fake that bit - well not 6 times anyway! lol. Weird to be doing adventurous stuff without it being my idea - very odd - like Christmas and birthdays rolled into one! The only real down side is the fact she screams like a banshee when she cums! And not only that she shouts all manner of "encouragement" at the same time. I think next door must have thought there was an orgy going on! Maybe there was! There was probably a very stunned queue in the kebab shop as well. lol
Might see her again - she lives in Frome so it's tricky, so driving might be even more of a priority. I think we both gave eachother a lot of self-esteem back again. She had been dumped and deceived too and so we both felt a sense of an ego boost. Don't want sex for ages now - in case my bits fall off!


The week at mum's was OK. Abi's party was great and everyone was so nice to me - oddly they were nice before they knew what had happened, but I guess that's Stoke people - always friendly even if the place is a cack hole!
I had exercised a lot that week and with my boots on I swear I had grown - I was towering over Louise, who I always remembered being quite a lot taller than me. Felt a bit crap being single in amongst so many couples, and cried like a baby for a few minutes when I got into bed that night - probably alcohol adding to it I guess, but it is difficult being alone in some situations.

Mum's birthday went well and all her old friends came around - she was blown away by the fact we had got her a telly. She was channel hopping all night saying "I can't get over how good the picture is!" over and over again.

Feeling like another crossroads is forming in front of me. I am determined to keep steaming ahead, and the passport is on its way next! Promised mum a trip to Dublin for Christmas. Not phoned up about the driving lessons yet - I got sidetracked a bit with all the emails I have ploughed through. Can't believe I had 78 emails when I got back. I supposed it is about 9 per day.
I think I might have to try and meet a load more women. It's exciting to meet new people and I don't need male friends - they are dull and only care about macho crap - much rather talk about spiritual things and nature and all that - although Jayne was chatting for ages about how Harry Redknapp is a rubbish manager, and playing 3 at the back never works?!!? A women who knows about football and shags for Britain?! Anyway...
I feel sad about Clare. I thought she was going to be free (again!) today. But I think she will carry on like this for ages - poor girl hasn't slept for weeks. I put her to bed here for an hour or two this morning and rubbed some creme on her face and eyes. She slept soundly. She'll end up very ill if she stays with Jon any longer. He's not right in the head anyway, but he is so bad for her. They have NOTHING in common - nothing that matters anyway. I can go to Longleat with Gran and have a lovely day, it doesn't mean the fact that I enjoyed it means I want to marry her! He is a drug using, smoking, emotionally repressed, manipulative, weak, impotent (appparently!), debt-ridden, inanimate loser. You only have to look at Clare to see who she is with. Clare is drained, unhappy, going nowhere, directionless, depressed, broke, and thoroughly miserable. It's good to know Jon is taking good care of her....

I guess I am now hanging around for a few hours waiting for a text to say "I'm not coming, we have worked things out".
I know what you are thinking - why are you even bothering? Well yeah - fair comment, except I care about Clare and I can't stand seeing my best friend have her life ruined because of a selfish and manipulative loser. I want Clare to be on her own for a while - to look at herself and her life and have time to sort it out. I don't even want to get back with her. She was saying this morning how I shouldn't have any hope of us being a couple again and I didn't really want to say "That's the last thing I want!" Clare is bad for me - we can't be a couple, not with her as she is. I don't want to be with Clare like that. I'm not even concerned about having a relationship at the moment - I have given so much to the last one, I need to recharge and learn to trust again. I don't like how Clare dismisses the future like it is set in stone - only the past is set in stone, the future is ours to carve out.
All I can do is be there for her, she will make her own mistakes, over and over again. I am worried about Jon. He may well get to the stage of aggression if this control doesn't stop. There's so much he hides from Clare, God knows what he is capable of.

Ah well, rant over - I hope Clare finds her peace and moves on to find someone special to be with. Someone who deserves her and someone who will be honest and true and respect her. This whole thing is so ugly and Clare is starting to disappear as a person. If she doesn't leave him she will die and become a nothing. Just a blank zombie living a life she has to just put up with. God, there is so much more to life - I can tell you from first-hand experience!

First Post and the Last Post...

Well this is the last post for a while - going up to Stoke so dear diary I must leave you in silence for a while.
I've kicked myself up the arse again after feeling down and found another gear, and was helped by the wonderful news the post lady brought - the driving licence!!! YAY! I ran round the house like a fool for a few minutes and was punching the air so hard my arms hurt. I was convinced there was going to be a delay or some problem with my ID after changing my name, but no, straight in there! Silly little green plastic thing with a red "L" on the front and my mug shot. So now the world awaits! haha!
I've already spoken to mum about it and I'm getting everything out of the loft (violin, antiques, anything worth money!) and selling the lot and that jet black RAV4 will be mine!! Mine with red "L" plates on for now, but never the less ~MINE! I know Sammi will sit in with me and maybe Clare will on the beach or something, and probably Anita too at a push. I should have another 5 women to ask in a month's time the way I'm going anyway! lol. I'll get Hugh or whatever his name is on the phone when I come back and then it's "gentlemen start your engines!" Hugh used to work in Cheddar so it will be interesting to hear what he thinks of the whole sordid romance debarcle too...
Abi informed me that you can get provisional insurance, so that's all I need to know. I can drive anyway - I spent long enough driving old formula one cars on that game, and I'm sure modern Toyotas have better gearboxes and clutches than a 1973 Lotus! I did have a couple of months driving a 1984 Nissan Sunny up and down the A-Roads in Leicester in 1991, so hopefully it's all in my head somewhere. It's just road sense I need and awareness, so I will need to pay attention and be very consciencious with it. I need to swat up on the Highway Code too - must buy it from Smiths when I am in Stoke. The RAC website does a mock up of the theory test so I will do that to death when I get back as well.
I think dad had 9 lessons and then did his test, so I have to beat or equal that - maybe I might even drive by January, who knows, Easter at the very latest. I'm not worried about any of it apart from reversing because of being a short-arse. I'll need a cushion that's for sure! Alain Prost was only 5ft 4 or so and Rene Arnoux was 5ft 1, so if they can do it so can I!!
It will of course mean I can live anywhere and work anywhere! There's nothing that can stop me - I don't care what shit life throws at me, I will wipe it off and keep running! Christmas 2007 will be spent in a Welsh cottage, with a roaring fire, with my car parked outside, me lying on a comfy settee and having a glass of mulled wine! That's a promise. And my job will have paid for it all. Who knows if I will have company or not, probably the dog of course and anyone else who cares to join me, but despite the fact I said I wasn't going to go on any more dates I seem to be irresistable to women at the moment - since I put my profile up on that dating site I've had 742 women click on me! It's mad! They probably think I've always had a six-pack and a positive attitude to life - well I'll always have it from now on, so it makes no odds! I even find myself turning women down! Like I have a choice! hahah! Jayne is coming over when I come back from Stoke and she seems keen to stay in with a DVD and a bottle of wine. She wants to see Shrek, Peter Kay or A Knights Tale (what is it with that film!?) and even more of a worry she wants to "crash" overnight! Hope she doesn't grab my goolies! I haven't used them in ages and I don't even know if they still work! At least with all this fitness training I should be able to keep going for hours! lol - kidding! eek! No, I will be a gentleman of course and make up the bed for her and sleep on the sofa. I will even if she gets other ideas - I'll say I'm a born again Christian or something to put her off! Doesn't hurt the ego for women to be after you though does it!?

Good night dear diary - I must admit you are a very theraputic friend!
I will see you when I return - the man in black in the car in black! HEHEHE!!!

Someone sent me this....sound familiar?


Stealing a girlfriend from another guy.

If the girl you fancy has only been with her boyfriend a short time, then it will be difficult - it is better to try and get a girl who is in a long-term relationship as she may be getting bored, in which case you are in luck.
First and most important, tell the girl that you like her as a friend because she is "cool" - it must not be in a romantic way to start with or they will read your intentions.
On the first sign of her being unhappy with her current boyfriend then move in! If she complains about him then let her bitch - she will really appreciate having a male friend to talk to about him especially as she feels her boyfriend doesn't listen any more. Don't make any romantic move towards her at this stage, just "side" with her against her boyfriend, this will guarantee you will be the first person she will come to when she is having problems with him. And guess what - it will make her more hostile to her boyfriend! This is because you will be seen as the person she is close to and her boyfriend will seem like an obstacle to your friendship!
After a while you can even hug her in a friendly way, she will see it as a comfort and realise that she can get this from you but not her boyfriend. Remember to keep pushing the boundaries a little bit more each time to entice her still closer.
Once you have built it up enough then go for the kill! Make sure you are alone, make it dramatic, but also make it look spontaneous, like you can no longer hold your feelings in for this person! It will make it look like "destiny" and that it has come from nowhere at all, but it is just meant to be!
It helps to be shocked about the situation, like you have no idea where it came from (to hide the fact you have planned this all along) - lines like "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I said that, you just look amazing tonight and I had to say something..." Make it sound almost like the attraction is her fault, because you just could not resist her as she is such an amazing person and you never had any intention of it getting this far. It will make her think you have not planned any of this and she will believe you!
90% of girls will get upset and cry in this situation. It is not uncommon for them to look panic-stricken or alarmed. Often they will say "I didn't realise you liked me in that way" to which you MUST answer "I only just realised myself!"
I guarantee that in 99% of cases the girl will break up with her boyfriend within days. The seeds of doubt have been set and she "knows" that you are her friend and that "none of this was intended" so she will feel safe with you and only have rejection feelings towards her boyfriend.

And BINGO - you stole yourself a chick! It works more times than it fails guys! Give it a try!



Hmm. Interesting read - thanks a lot!! Sounds kind of familiar I must say.....
Sad enough that this kind of thing happens (I should know!) but the fact that some people make an art form out of it and celebrate the fact that long-term relationships can be trashed so easily is very sad and more than a little sordid. Women are senstive creatures and to use the feelings of friendship and emotional support in order to steal them is sick. Men are horrible - I'm coming back as a goat or a wasp or a penguin or something!

Feeling flat

Not so bright today. Several things are occupying my brain, and unfortunately none of them are that positive. My eyes are terrible today - maybe because it is dark, but it's like I have just taken my glasses off! It is very dark though, so I suppose this is what I should expect for winter time eyesight. Even if they get no worse then I am going to have to be like this till April. Very heavy downward pull on my state of mind.
I am also a bit surprised and disappointed by how Clare seems to have moved on. Not in a positive way. When she left me I was under the impression it was because I was holding her back and stopping her getting on with life - the opposite seems to be true. She needs a good kick up the arse and a push into something positive, yet even today I tried to get her involved with a Monty Roberts course and all she could give me were excuses why not to. I got the information off the internet, but she just did that "I can't deal with it all right now" routine and took the papers home with her. She even said it was "unfair" for her to go off on a course when Jon was out at work all day - wasn't unfair for her to leave me heartbroken and go off with another man, but unfair to pursue her life's goals?!? Must be female logic or something...
I'm going up to Stoke on Thursday too, and staying for about 9 days. The thought of Audley Road and nothing to do fills me with dread. It's a dead atmosphere there too most of the time.
Christmas is fast approaching too, and it will be the first time I will be spending Christmas without the love of my life, with no one to give it that special meaning, and even worse knowing that she will be cuddled up in a country cottage with someone else, and I will not even be a brief thought. "Think of me long enough to make a memory..." as the song goes.
It's odd how once I assumed Clare thought of me as the most important person in the world, and now I feel like a forgotten ghost, like none of it ever happened. I still don't understand, and probably NEVER will understand how you can just move straight on to another person after being with your life partner for 13 years. I could never do it. I would never want to do it and more importantly if I had broken my lover's heart I would be incapable of seeing someone else because of how I know it would make them feel. But Clare does what pleases Clare. Not through any malice I'm sure, but she never really stopped to think about how anything really affected me. She has always been like that to be honest - something I used to think of as a naive and sweet little character flaw, but it has grown into something that has bitten my head off. Clare tends to have a thought process of "What do I want to do?" and then much later realises "Oh shit, look what it has done to someone else!" Most of us have an inbuilt sense of care and forethought that prevents us from doing this, especially to those we profess to love.
It is why I accused her of never loving me, but it wasn't like that - she just never thought anything through first where my feelings were involved.
It made me laugh today when she told me about Jon and how I asked what he was like at certain things. Clare had no idea. She doesn't know him at all, and from what I gather about the mess she is making in the house and her "cookery quirks" he has no idea about her either. I can't wait for the day he tries to be amourous after eating fried eggs, or beans, or onions or anything else on Clare's food black list. He will get that horrible rejected sinking feeling I knew so many times just because of his diet. There's nothing like the look on Clare's face as you try and plant a kiss when you have had eggs in your mouth in the last 12 hours! No way, forget it mate! Not going to happen!! There's so many other things to add to the quirks list - she really needs to come with a warning label! How about "This person is nuts. Approach with caution as emotions and feelings may get damaged. Do not invoke sexual action after partaking of dairy, red meat or scented vegetables as rejection often causes offence." Doesn't even begin to cover it to be fair...
Clare just phoned me up after struggling with the computer - seems to be working now. She is so funny - she sounds like an excited child, and I suppose in lots of ways she always has been a child. This is why whichever person she ends up with will end up looking after her, cooking, cleaning, sorting out all her mess, bailing her out of problems and so on... Sounds like a chore and enough to drive you absolutely mad with frustration, but I really miss doing it. I enjoyed looking after her, and I suppose I still am trying too with all the computer help, rocking horses, art, etc. I'd be interested to see how long it takes before Jon uses the expression "Oh for god's sake!" - probably months away I would guess.
Anyway - just a rant of someone on a downer really - going to the peak with Gooby. I need to create a situation where I am busy again. Too much time on hold just now. Maybe the driving license will come soon. Just not looking forward to Stoke much...

It's ok to be sad...

Ok, so I haven't posted much - my eyes have gone wrong - £2590 wasted - ouch! So I got upset and down and angry and bitter - for 12 hours. Now it's gone.
That's the thing with me now - I am so much stronger than I was before - nothing beats me - not even the prospect of failing eyesight and nothing I can do about it till Easter. So throw the next one at me!! Go on I dare ya!! I won't be beaten!
The very next day I went and put Clare's mum and dad's fireplace in for them - like nothing had happened - must really freak people out! I mean last time I saw them I was living with their daughter, and since then she has cheated on me, left me, my eyesight has been wrecked and 24 hours later I come round all chirpy and help them out! Is this really me we are talking about??! YES IT IS!! I love it! I love being me now - life is as good as your attitude to it - of course bad things happen, it's what makes good things happen too. So be sad, cry, be upset, be angry, and then move on - tomorrow is another day!

Weird moment of the week.... I went to Crooks Peak at 3.15pm today - and on the way back I suddenly got this feeling of being watched, but like someone had stood on my grave. I had a really cold shiver go down my spine like there was a dark presence next to me. I was so scared that I didn't breathe and even let the dog wander off almost out of site. I turned my head really slowly to the left and about 6ft away, yes only 6ft, were two HUGE ravens sat together behind the stone wall, both looking at me. I gasped and froze - they were closer to me than the ones at the Tower of London! I could see the little tufts on the tops of their beaks and could even smell them. They were massive! I wasn't aware but I was holding my breathe and eventually exhaled quite loudly and they shot off the ground and soared into the sky and swooped down the hill out of site. Very weird, moving, and spine tingling.
Now here's the weird thing...
I looked up what the significance of two ravens was... and in Norse mythology Odin had two ravens, one called "Memory" and one called "Thought". The significant bit is bearing in mind my right eye has gone wrong and is losing sight. Odin is said to have only had one eye! He sacrificed his sight in one eye in exchange for wisdom! The two ravens were his messengers and brought him information about what was going on in the world.
So have I lost the use of an eye in exchange for wisdom? Memories and thoughts have filled my mind all day, every day for the last two months. I seem to have gained a lot of wisdom too over the last weeks! Who knows - but there was something weird about it!

Since the news of my sight loss I am actually starting to not use my right eye. I have it open but somehow I am telling my brain to only use the left side - feels strange and unbalancing at times but I can get by as long as the left eye doesn't fail too.

Anyway - I AM F**KIN DRIVING! Stop me if you want to try, but I am doing it. If it is too dangerous and I get told I can't then I won't risk hurting anyone else, but until then I am going for it. NOTHING STOPS CHRIS FROM LIVING - not any more sunshine!

Monday tomorrow - will grab the postwoman and raid her bag looking for anything from the DVLA in Swansea! ;)

Utter madness...

Well I wasn't going to post again today, but I just had a phone call - from Paul.
I haven't spoken to Paul since this whole thing began, and it took me 34 minutes to tell him everything from being handed a note at the door right up to Clare moving in with Jon on Saturday. It is only hearing the reaction of someone who knew nothing of the story that has made me step back and think, "Yeah, utter madness!"
Paul was struggling to take any of it in. Nothing made any sense at all and he just kept saying 'I don't understand? Why?' to pretty much every episode as it unfolded. Phrases like "and just throw it all away", "after all you've been through over the years", "It doesn't make any sense" and so on.
I suppose in a way I was expecting all of those statements, but hearing them come back after you have given someone the whole story rather than seeing this unfold a bit at a time (which is what everyone else has) makes it seem even more unreal.
I keep trying to deal with Clare as if she is 'of sound mind' and in a state to have rational conversations, because I have recovered from this most traumatic event and managed to keep on going and find a way to cope and move on. But it struck me that Clare hasn't dealt with any of this. I know I have said that to her, but it suddenly became really important tonight after hearing all this back as I recounted the tale to Paul. I am worried that Clare is not mentally well. I never stopped to consider this. I even said to her about the breakup "you either never loved me or you have had some kind of mental breakdown" and I'm starting to wonder.
When she is round here and we talk about what she is actually doing, and what she has done to me and what she is leading herself into, she shuts off and almost goes into a panic attack. It's as though all the parts of her brain that deal with rationality and analysis have shut down. At some point however she will wake up. She will expect me to be there, sharing Cajun Chicken and peppers with buttery potatoes, chatting about the time we met Nightwish, remembering the garden in Machynlleth, taking the dog out, going to Glastonbury Chalice Well on Halloween, dressing as a trainspotter at Sparsholt, having the rats as pets, the tickets blowing away as we went out to the bus for the Sparsholt college do, buying an engagement ring, sitting on office chairs in a flat in Drove Road, the woman snoring downstairs, living in Uphill and having cherryade on a Sunday, building a cage for all the rodents to live in, papering the spare room in London with all the posters she owned, living above 10-15 records and me taking sexy photos of her with a polaroid camera, moving out without John finding out, moving to Worle, the sunny kitchen, the trips to Teignmouth and discovering Muse, the white Golf, going to Sussex, Reading and back to Worle, filling the toilet wall with posters of Duran Duran, buying a house together in Stoke and going to B&Q to choose paper, walking to see the 'Evil Tree' and doing reiki on it, attuning me to reiki and all the emotions that came out, moving back to Somerset, the lovely big house in Winscombe, and through it all we have always been there for eachother, every night I smiled as Clare lay sleeping safely in bed, knowing my life partner was there with me and whatever we had been through we would always survive because me and Clare were special and could overcome anything the world threw at us - the special bond that would mean we would be there for each other and together forever through life's journey. And one letter, one mad moment, and she threw it all in the garbage.
I know she will ponder these thoughts, but have any of them really sunk in? It did with me and I tried to kill myself, I drank and drank, I had a breakdown, I lost 2-3 weeks of my life in a dazed almost coma-like state trying to process all that information. Clare has not got to that point. She has been upset, but more upset with seeing me in that state rather than her actually taking all the information onboard and processing it. She has had no time. She left our bed and jumped straight into another.
When we got together in 1993 we 'dated', fell in love and moved in together. It took 6 months. It normally does take this long. We took months to get physical with eachother in a sexual way, and only because we were truely in love. Clare has gone from our shared bed to moving in with someone she barely knows, had a sexual relationship, committed to sharing a house, and all within a handful of weeks, most of that time spent apart, with the exception of 4 or 5 days in his parents house. It cannot be real. It is all too utterly nonsensical, and it is only tonight that I have had the penny drop so hard - Clare has not dealt with US yet!
I have been so preoccupied with my own state of mind and trying to put my life back together from the broken pieces she left me with that I have not even bothered to realise that my timeline of progress may be about 6 weeks in and doing outstandingly well, but Clare's hasn't even started. Of course she is upset, because there is upset in the air and she has seen enough of me to know I was a broken man. But Clare has been distracted from day one. She has ALWAYS been with John the whole time, so the self-reflection has not happened. When confronted with it as I have done on a few occasions she has freaked out, because her mind cannot deal with the enormity of the situation, and she says things like 'I can't cope with thinking about it' or words to that effect. This is such a dangerous situation. It is like a bomb waiting to go off. It might go off at Lympsham or it might happen later. But it will happen. Maybe THIS is what my 'guide' has been warning me about. The future and dealing with what she has done.
I'm sure Clare is thinking on the surface that she has thought about it, but believe me, I KNOW what it feels like to deal with this, and Clare has certainly not been there yet. The one brief moment was on the Sunday when she did come out of it for a few minutes and told Jon she wasn't ready to be with him and couldn't possibly entertain living with him. But of course he is rushing her along as quick as he can to commit and settle down, so it is ever likely that she hasn't had time to stop and think.
One day she will be sat there watching the TV and turn round expecting to see my face, and it will be Jon's instead, and she will know what she has done. I don't know when this will be and what will happen. I don't even know if I will be here. Should Jon present her with a ring and she accepts it then I can't see how I can still be in the picture to be honest. Engagement is a commitment ( I should know, I am still technically engaged to a girl, as she still has my ring!) and you cannot have three people in a relationship that is that far down the line.
Don't get me wrong, this in no way contradicts what I have said before. I love Clare with all my heart and I always will, and I want to be with her forever, and I will always be on the end of a telephone whenever she needs me, but relationships have levels of intensity, and if she is living with someone and engaged to them, then there is no space for me at all. I will be pushed out eventually even if not intentionally. They will spend more and more time together and all the free time will be spent together, and in settling down Clare will be forced to work due to the high cost of living in this area so I won't see her in the day and at night she will be with him. Unfortunately this is how life works even when we intend it not to. We settle into patterns and don't notice the passing of time. Routines form. Take Paul for example. A very good friend who I used to share a place with, see every day, then less often, then he got married, settled down, had a kid - I haven't seen him for years. I think I have seen him 3 times in 4 years now. This is where friendships outside a relationship end up - it is unavoidable.
I think from the moment Clare moves in with Jon, the sands on the egg-timer will start to flow. I know she intends to see me, and we will to start with. But unless she has some kind of a revelation then she will proceed down the road to settling and before we know it we will be seeing eachother once every two months, the 6 months, then who knows...?
My problem is I cannot fight for this - I have to let Clare go. She is free to do as she pleases, but I'm not sure she is pleasing herself with where she is going and even if it looks like I am losing her I will be unable to intervene. Jon wants her all to himself, of course he does, he is her boyfriend now not me. My memories with Clare are now a closed book on a dusty shelf somewhere in the back of the mind, she has a new book open on the table with Jon's name on it and she is busy writing in that one.
I am not committing to anything at this stage. Selling my gear has bought me a couple of months to see how it goes, but I would be stupid to hold a candle for Clare 3 months or longer down the line. Stupid and unhelpful for everyone. After all, Clare is making the choices now, not me, and if she does decide that Jon is her life partner and the person she wants to wake up next to when she is 60 then that has nothing to do with me, but it would be tragic for me to be still here hoping one day she will come back.
I hope none of this happens I really do. I want to see Clare all the time. I love her and she is my best friend in the whole world, and we understand eachother like no other relationship either of us could ever have again. I love her so much I am even here watching her move into another sexual relationship, and however much that hurts me I am still here for her, ready to forgive and forget, but there may be a time when my position diminishes and I must move on.
Like I say, I hope and pray that it will never happen, but I must also not kid myself into having too much hope.

"Love is a many blended thing...."

Roger Taylor (the Queen drummer, not Duran Duran) once wrote a song called "I'm in love with my car" well I seem to have a blender thing going on! It's the most fun you can have in the kitchen! I'm worried I might poison myself but I haven't thrown anything silly in yet. I used to skip some of the vitamin drinks because I couldn't be bothered to stand there with a fork for 10 minutes trying to beat the lumps out, but now 20 seconds and bingo!....... I need to get out more...

Well I woke up this morning to discover the sky was a bit brighter - no clouds, or not many anyway. Got out with the dog before 6.45 so I missed rush hour on the Strawberry Line! My days are so weird now. I wake up at 5.30 - yes 5.30! Where's that come from? Chris Locksley awake before 9am shocker! I can't believe it myself. I thought I was ill or something the first time, but this is every single morning. It's been like that for a while too, so it's now normal to me. I have checked emails, answered them, checked ebay sales, walked the dog, given her breakfast, had my breakfast and tea, watched the news, all before 7.45am! No wonder I fall asleep at 10pm. I eat small meals and fall asleep at 9.30 - I'm turning into Clare! Last night I was fighting to stay awake at 9.30, especially as there was nothing on telly. There's only so many times you can watch fat people get told that they have sticky poo and they need to eat aduki beans...

Felt refreshed today mentally too. I'm glad the stupid nonsense was got rid of over the last days. It was like there was a little cloud left over that just needed to rain and then it would be gone. Clare seems ok with me again now. Actually more than ok, she's being really nice. Maybe we are both dropping the baggage now. There was an awful lot, so I suppose it was going to take a while.
I keep coming across Buddhist teachings - not looking for them, I just keep finding them. Sent Clare rather a good one by text this morning. It seems like a religion that makes an awful lot of sense to me. Fast forward 5 years and there's me, bald, sitting on the floor in an orange robe... funnier things have happened! I suppose the thing with Buddhism is the belief in Karma. I am starting to think they have a point here. There's a side to it that is about natural justice, and the belief in that gives you great freedom. When people do wrong to you, the ability to forgive just frees you up completely from what has happened. Christianity teaches about "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I always used to read that as 'Please let me off so I don't feel bad and if you do then I will let other people off what they have done to me' but in truth it means 'give me the power to forgive, as the act of forgiveness is the real blessing for me.' Basically if god can forgive all of us with all of our combined faults then surely you can let go of the few things that one person has done to you? Makes sense.

I'm having a crash course in life lessons at the moment. A bit like "My name is Earl" I'm putting right things that I have done wrong. Not always specifically to people, but how people have ended up because of the way I have lived. Having said that, I had a rather emotional moment on this morning's walk with Foxy as I headed up Kings Wood. I had this urge to do something, and I was being pushed really hard to do it too. I was almost arguing with the voice inside me thinking 'no way! I'm not doing that!' and the voice came back with something along the lines of 'this is the truth and the right way to be, and everything you do must be on this path, even when you have doubts and fears.' So I am doing it! I will tell Clare tomorrow when she gets the dog. I'm worried she won't agree or will have doubts, but I can only do what I am led to believe is right.

That sounds more dramatic than it actually is! haha! Anyway, time will tell...

I have decided to go up to Stoke for a week. Abi is pleading with me to go to her birthday meal, and there's about 15 people from Singlepoint going, so I caved in. I need a change of scene anyway, and my attempts to drag Clare away for a holiday break haven't worked yet, so Stoke it is... yay!?? It's just important to have a moment or two away from the intensity of a place, and although Stoke sucks more than a hundred Dysons, a change is a change. It's another group of people to fuss Foxy to bits anyway.

My best camera went in the post this morning. Felt sad watching it vanish over the counter, but whatever needs to be done...
It gives me some time here to think about my next move anyway. If I don't have rent to worry about for a month or two then I can think straight. I'm not making any plans right now - done that in the past and they only change before you get to them. I spent thousands of pounds advertising wedding photography as well as more on the gear itself, and then in one moment my life is turned on its head and the whole lot is wasted. Setting fire to my bank would have been cheaper! Life lesson again there! I should really be angry about how much money I have lost, but it's just been one huge lesson learned. Life needs to be simple, when we make complex plans there's too much to go wrong, and we take certain things for granted. I took Clare for granted and concentrated on the business plans, and look what happened. Never take anyone for granted. If you wake up in the morning next to the person you love and want to spend the rest of your days with, and want to be looking into their eyes in the morning when you both have grey hair and creaking limbs, then tell them each morning when you wake up. If I lived my life again I would have all the bloody answers wouldn't I?!! Shame I'm coming back as a goose next time!

Onwards and upwards - got to post the HDV video camera tomorrow morning. Don't tell David Timms! eek!

There's a huge temptation to put all this money to one side and live on the dole and then buy a cool car when I pass my test! Naughty! Stop saying naughty thoughts all the time!

Lunch time anyway, then Crooks Peak. Ultralase tomorrow for the last time for a while. Can't wait to come off these drops, I can taste them all day!

Back on track.... with little help from within.

Oops! Major de-railment on the emotional train near Winscombe station! Remember what I was told about being ok to go it alone from now on? Well the stabilisers were removed and I promptly fell off into the hedge.
Clare came round again as she had read the blog and got upset about what she saw. I haven't told her everything I have gone through, but hopefully she'll get to read this at some point.

For about 3 or 4 weeks I have been held securely in place by a guiding spirit within me. Every decision I have taken has had this presence to it, leaning on me and steering me to prevent me from doing any damage to myself or others too. A few days ago I was left alone to carry on, but he's back, and holding his sides and laughing hysterically at how he only had to turn his back for a few minutes and I stuffed up!
So where did it all go pear-shaped? Well the one thing I learned (but forgot just as quickly) was the power of patience and stepping back from the scene to take in the information and then deal with it rationally and only in the light of truth. So how did I react to being told that Clare still loves me and one day has a hope that we can be together? The correct answer would be "That's marvellous news, but of course we mustn't rush anything and we still have a lot of issues to resolve, not least the fact you are with someone right now and that will need to run its course without too much hurt being caused to Jon ("h" or no "h"??). Plus you are so confused still and your head is so full of things you haven't dealt with that you need time to sort yourself out and you don't need any more pressure than you are under already. But I will still be here for you as a friend and when the time comes that you want us to try and be together again then we can take it from there..." Yes! That's what I said! What do you mean 'NO IT ISN'T!' What did I say then? Erm... something along the lines of, "Woohooo! Yeah let's be together then! Jon's a twat! Cool!"

Can we see where I went wrong boys and girls? Yes, obvious now isn't it? Slightly unhelpful use of the words 'wanker' and 'loser' probably got in there too.

Fair enough, we kind of dealt with all that yesterday, although the sick feeling in the stomach still hasn't gone altogether. But the aftermath was priceless.
Ok, so she want's to be with me but she's going to keep sleeping with him...hmmm.. ok in that case I'm going to run away to Stoke and never see her again, that'll teach her a lesson or something, or I won't have to deal with it, or the magic fairies will remove all traces of Clare from my memory and I can start again..... yeah... whatever...

For whatever reason it seems that the gods are not happy unless Clare and I are together. It seems like a crack opens up in the very material of the Universe when we fall out or when we try and keep apart. It's like a plug and a socket - when you take one from the other then all the lights go out. Classic example today of how much we are compatible - I was trying to be all comforting about her and Jon settling down and getting married and having kids and all that domestic stuff, and how I will gladly go away and out of Clare's life if it means she can be happy with Jon. So I was part way through saying "If you get married..." when she said "Will you do the photos?"!!!! Who on this planet could say that to another person in that circumstance if they didn't know eachother right down to the core? That awful sense of humour we both share and kill ourselves laughing hysterically about! Clare could say it to me, knowing how I would react - a stranger might expect a fight or at least some kind of fireworks, but Clare and I know eachother too well and have hold of eachothers inner most feelings. It was a beautiful moment in a time of lots of confusion and pressure, and one which just underlines my love for her, and I think the other way round too.

Anyway, 'the owl' is back. I think I might have sort of asked for him back. The thing is he hasn't done a lot, just made his presence known. I think it's more like a policeman watching me to make sure I don't do anything daft again, and to just keep heading the right way.
A lot of this is unfortunately a side-effect of the eye surgery. I was so convinced that I would be stuck in the dark, lying on my back for a week unable to go out that I made no plans at all. I HAVE BEEN CLIMBING THE WALLS! I can't tell you how much I need to go out and do things. I can't go to the pub because of the smoke, I can't go for walks at night because it's already too dark by 7pm. The list of ad hoc activities is tiny - I only use the computer to do this blog and check emails, and after an hour or so of Tuomas impressions my hands are too knackered to play any more. Film4 has it's uses, but TV screens are not my eyes' best buddy right now, so I can only manage one film or a bit of Neighbours (fancy Paul getting shot!?). Sammie is working nights, so can't come out, and frankly most of the other people I met online are erm... I'm trying to be polite... have incompatible intellects?!
Not an excuse I know, but I was feeling the pressure of being stuck in and bored and my head was desperate to fill the gaps. So I came out with a lot of old drivel to Clare because she is the only person I have spoken to this week apart from surgeons and nurses.
I think the comments about Clare came from a place in my head that wanted to escape the difficulites and mental strain of dealing with the fact she is with someone else. If I convince myself that she is not the person I knew then it's easier to move on isn't it? After all, if she is not the same person then I have lost nothing, because the girl I love no longer exists. Trouble is that it's all a load of utter gibbon's bollocks, as Gran would say.
Clare is the same person - but the same person covered in a shroud, like cataracts on the eyes. She is under there, but unrecognisable at first glance. She hasn't changed, just become covered over and her judgment is affected. In fact I would be daring enough to say she has no judgment at all at the moment. Questions like "So why are you with Jon if you know it's not right?" can only be answered if you are in a position to be able to think clearly, and right now Clare isn't. This is of course where I screwed up too. Someone with cataracts cannot see the writing on the wall, so what use is it when their only true friend in the world just shouts "Come on, try harder to see!" If she can't see, then she can't see! Yelling, arguing, and trying to convince her is no use. When the cataracts are removed (something I cannot do) then she will see and she will make her own decisions. Remember young King Arthur again.
It is really really hard watching the person you love go down a path that isn't right, and to get deeper and deeper into something that one day she might not be able to get out of. But the harder I grab her hand and pull, the more she will want to know what is round the next corner and break away, maybe one day to never come back. It is basic ignorant human instinct to grab someone and pull them back, and more so when you love them. I love Clare and if she decides to marry Jon and have kids and become a domestic stay-at-home mum, then that's what is going to happen, and it will happen quicker if I keep screaming "No! Wait!" at her. Clare is a reactionary person. Whatever she feels pressured into, she will do the opposite, so the only right and proper thing for me to do is to stand to one side but with my arms open.
A lot of what I have been thinking is due to the worry of Clare being in any danger. Smoking, drug taking/dealing, insecurity, lack of trust, track record of instability etc are all very bad things and have knock-on effects to those around. I know Jon will do his best to avoid all of them, but this is what we all do when trying to impress a girl. Even the getting dressed up in his best clothes and doing his hair is a sign that he is still in the "Rutting Stag" phase of the relationship, so all of those bad characteristics are bound to be repressed. My worry is what happens when he knows he has got Clare and he stops trying. Do the drugs return complete with suppliers/customers? The insecurity will change into control and dominance. The smoking wherever he pleases will return. Most worrying is the mental/emotional instability - people do desperate things when their emotional well-being is threatened. This is just to fill in the gaps of why I started to pressure her so much the other day. Concern for the future. And I lost the control I have gained over the last weeks. It's all safely back under wraps again now though. Damned hard though, don't you think! I can safely tell you that whatever happens in life I will cope with it after this!

The other thing I got reminded of, which I had forgotten completely, was how I had been told to be strong for when Clare finally really needs me. I think I got scared that something bad was going to happen and I wanted to prevent it from happening in the first place. This was not the right answer. I am supposed to be there like a rock when I am eventually needed. It still scares me a little bit, but then the future is basically a whole chain of unknown events, so if you wanted to you could easily stay up all night wetting yourself about what might happen. Well I don't do that, so there's no point in doing it about one particular issue. Besides, I trust my guide, and he has told me not to worry, just to do my part, and the pieces will fit when the time comes. Intriguing I must say. Cryptic bugger this guide fella! I can't be rude about him - although I think we have the same sense of humour!

Clare is trying to get some art projects started which sounds like jolly good fun to me. Good use of her talents too as opposed to stacking shoes and other ghastly things! To her advantage Jon is still in that "do whatever it takes to keep her" stage, so I'm sure he won't pester her for rent or anything, probably right through to the new year I would guess. The 'keen' stage normally lasts about 5 or 6 months so she should be ok being 'kept' in Lympsham. If not, she can always have the spare room here anyway, so there's no loss.
Off to scan some of her paintings now anyway. I've looked at that rocking horse, and I swear it is only a weekend's work away from being finished - that and a few layers of varnish anyway.

Heavy stuff yet again my friends! (Friends? Nobody else reads this you knob-tickler!) Another day, another tale. This will be a best seller in a couple of years. "How to survive a break-up and not lose you mind" - got a good ring to it eh? Might have to change the names to protect identities. I will be 'Robin', Clare will be 'Marion', and Jon can be 'Guy of Gisbourne' - sorry, couldn't resist! I'll stop being naughty now and give my eyes a break! Only kidding about the 'Guy' gag... Just nipping out to have Cheddar Gorge exorcised....

Who are you....?

After yesterday's unfortunate incident, I lay in bed this morning thinking for a long time (it's only 5.40am now).
I am very confused by lots of things going on at the moment. I was struck by the thought that I no longer know who Clare is. Let me explain:
The Clare I love is a huge Nightwish fan, not only that but a huge music fan in general. Yet this Clare hasn't listened to anything in 5 weeks. Now I couldn't survive like that at all. Music pulls me through very difficult times, but for someone who has dashed off at the drop of a hat to pursue bands all over the country it is weird to not listen to anything at all.
The Clare I love is an outdoor person. The sort to go walking all over the hills, through the Welsh countryside, the person I couldn't keep up with and used to have to keep stopping to get my breath. She doesn't go for walks any more. Yesterday she was puffing and panting just getting up Kings Wood, let alone all the way to Crooks Peak. She would have gone horse-riding at midnight if the opportunity arose, now she puts it off because of 'tiredness' or because she needs to have time away from the person she is sleeping with and have some space?!
The Clare I love had strong moral fibre. She valued intimacy as something special between two people who are in love, and I remember when we got together how long it was before we were both ready to commit physically. Now she has met someone she fancies she has given her body to him in a flash while our bed was still warm.
The Clare I love had a strong will to be independent. She desired so much from life and always wondered what opportunities were out there and how she could experience them. This Clare does nothing. She is a servant to a physical relationship and has no life other than keeping him happy. Even her desire to breakup was thwarted as she has no strength or independence and just runs straight back to keep him happy. The irony is that the only things she does do now are with me. The walks, the rocking horse project, the horse riding, etc.
The Clare I love is happy. She finds joy in the simple things in life and always has a positive outlook. This Clare is thoroughly depressed and looks at things for bad reasons not good. I mentioned something on the walk, can't remember exactly what it was, but I was saying how it would be good to do and would be a positive thing and straight away Clare pointed out what might go wrong and how bad it could turn out. She looks at things in a negative way now.
The Clare I love likes a certain kind of man. She likes mentally strong characters, but also the physical side is important. She hates pony-tails, she hates men with thinning hair, she hates men who eat certain things, she hates men that could support cruelty to animals, she hates smokers, she hates people who are so weak that they need to take drugs, she hates men who just sleep around, the list is endless! Yet she is happily having sex with someone who is more Michael Bolton than Michael Monroe. Someone who uses drugs more like John Nahon than John Norum. Someone who smells more Marlboro than pine forest. Someone unconcerned about calves in transporter crates. Someone who is weak and emotionally immature not strong and dependable.
The Clare I love looks healthy and beautiful. This Clare is grey and gaunt, a deep sadness in her eyes and face. It used to be the case that I got down and Clare would be the chirpy one, but now she is more miserable than I ever was. If I was self-absorbed and being miserable and selfish she would walk away from me and go off somewhere as she refused to be brought down. Now she chases after John every time he has a self-pity sulking moment and condones it by giving in to him when he is like that. It is now making her into a sad and miserable person.

I have no idea what Clare has been doing these last few weeks, but it seems that she has become a servant to someone she apparently doesn't even want to be with. She admitted yesterday that she is hoping he will find someone else and dump her so she can be free of him without hurting his feelings, but that might never happen, and she is going to carry on like this indefinitely.

I am starting to feel used. Clare is basically going out with me - we do fun things together, she still has strong feelings for me, we still love eachother, she cannot imagine life without me, she wishes that we could be together but is glad that we parted in order to re-affirm how much we mean to eachother. Yet she is sleeping with someone else, and is only in that relationship for physical gratification. So she has two boyfriends, one for emotional support and companionship, and one for sex.

I am reaching a watershed moment. I am going to mum's birthday on the 20th October. When I am up there I am going to meet up with Abi and the old gang from Singlepoint. Who knows what conversations and suggestions may arise. There may be people there I now look at in a different light, there may be opportunities for employment and housing, there could be many things.
I love Clare with all my heart, but I am not sure how healthy it is for everyone to carry on as we are now. It will kill me to never see her again and even typing that sentence feels like a knife in my heart, but life is about sacrifices you have to make in order to do the right thing, and if Clare wants me as a friend and to use someone else for sex and an alternative to me, then it surely cannot be right. Maybe Clare will be happy spending the rest of her life with John, maybe I have her all wrong. I thought she was passionate about music, musicians, walking, horse-riding, enjoyed holidays with me in Wales, loved long thick flowing hair, hated smoking, thought drug taking was for losers, I thought she wanted to be upbeat not support wallowing in self-pity, I thought she was spontaneous and active not willing to just settle into a routine of just existing and either just drinking in a pub or sitting at home watching TV.
So maybe Clare is not those things any more. Maybe this is why she is with John. In which case I am the wrong person for her to be with. I want more out of life.
I want holidays in Wales where I walk for 4 hours and come in as the light is fading and light a roaring log fire with the smell of smoky pine filling the cottage and cuddle up with the person I love watching the flames dance in the darkness.
I want to go abroad and discover new places and people.
I want to go and see Nightwish in Finland and not miss out on opportunities just because they are happening somewhere else.
I want to go horse-riding, kart racing, off-roading, quad biking.
I want to ride a horse along the spray of the tide with the wind blowing in my face.
I want to get filthy on a mountain bike going over inaccessible hills and mountains.
I want to see the view from the very top of Cadir Idris.
I want to go to rock clubs and jump about all night with people who are full of energy and a desire to enjoy life through music.

Maybe Clare and I have now gone in different directions. I know that my direction is positive, but maybe Clare has given up all of the things she values in order to be with someone else in which case she is not the person I knew before.

The next two weeks are going to be massively important. They could go one of several ways.
Clare may decide she wants to be with John after all and give it a go in the domestic relationship he is looking for, in which case I will have to leave. It isn't fair to be with someone and still see your ex for all the things you are not getting from your partner, and I will have to make that heart-breaking decision to re-locate and put Clare out of my life for good. That will be harder than finding out she was seeing someone else in the first place and I am going to have months of suffering afterwards, I am fully aware of this. Listening to Nightwish, seeing any reference to horses, even just cooking a piece of chicken will probably have me in floods of tears for a very long time. But people make their choices.

All along I have said how much I love Clare, and in order to show my love I have to set her free - remember the young King Arthur story? Well I have to let Clare go the way she desires, and if that is settling into a life of domestic stability with John then I have to respect that and move on. And move away. Who knows, Clare may turn out to be a changed person. I might bump into her in 20 years from now and she might be a whizz in the kitchen, have three children and a job in a bank. You never know. Whatever she does and whoever she choses to be with I just hope she is happy and with a deep sense of contentment in her heart. She will always have my heart even if we never see eachother or speak again.

Feeling sick...

How to ruin a perfectly splendid day. I hate myself right now.
Clare came over for what was supposed to be a chat and a stroll over to Crooks Peak, followed by a bit of dinner. Everything was ok up to a point, but she started on to me about how John has basically slept his way around work, and taken drugs, and a whole host of other very nasty things about him and I just jumped onto the bandwagon.
The more of John I learn about the more I dislike him. Obviously Clare is going to be just another notch on the bedpost and I hate to see how she is totally blinded by "how nice he is". But it doesn't excuse the blasting I gave him - not in front of Clare anyway.
Clare told me today that she wished that we could be together again but that we couldn't have carried on the way we were and it's only through splitting up that we have both seen how we went wrong in the first place. I'm afraid that this news got the better of me. For a second I imagined us being back together and it was so wonderful that she was hoping that we were heading that way that I just resorted to basic and ignorant instincts. I tried to kill off John in her head and just kept going on about him, trying to make her see what he is really like even though I know that she is fully aware of it already and my emphasising it doesn't help.

I can't even write this just now. I feel like I have eaten bad fruit. My whole stomach is churning round and round and I am so angry with myself I could scream. My feelings for Clare are so strong that the slightest thought of us getting together in the future (however far in the future it may be) just set me off and I came out with ridiculous statements and attacks on other people that I really shouldn't have said. I have just undone all the good things we had going for us, and now she thinks I am just trying to break her and John up, which isn't true in that way. Sure, I know he is wrong for her and she needs to be alone and not with anyone, even me, but I don't want to wade in and cause trouble. I am supposed to be helping Clare, and today I just undid all the hard work I have been putting in to try and help her come to terms with things. I've even managed to make myself feel bad.
I even made a parting piss-take about John being on drugs as she was driving away.
I am so disappointed with myself. I have just sat here and cried for 15 minutes in total devastation about letting Clare down, and also myself. I feel as low now as I did a few weeks back.

It happened because I was having such a good time, and I forgot myself. It seems so natural for me to be with Clare, having a laugh and a joke, taking the piss out of things, and just being free to enjoy life. But I lost the point that she is 'involved' with someone else and despite where this is going and how bad he is for her, it's all her choice.
I have been looking forward to this for so long, and when she came round I screwed up big time.

Sunday Dinner, Landscapes and Tears

So, as predicted, the wiping the slate clean and moving on lasted all of 12 hours lol. Clare met up with John this morning and went back on everything she had said last night, and looks like she is going to keep going out with him and move in with him - basically all the things she said last night that she didn't want. I'm sure after another couple of weeks there will be the same conversation again and again until she realises he will never change. Not my business anyway - I just tried to help Clare move on with her life, but the choices and the decisions must all be hers.

Clare came round for lunch after a bit of a delay - she chased up to Crooks Peak after John, who was doing the pityful wallowing and feeling sorry for HIMSELF that I have heard so much about. "Oh, he looked awful and sad", hmmm ok. I've tried to help, but I will just sit it out until Clare becomes sick and tired of it rather than just feeling sorry for him. Weakness in a man is so pathetic and unattractive - I mean whose fault is it really if you are 37 and like that? I have seen people with no arms climb Everest, and blind people run marathons, and people in wheelchairs cross Africa - people who are weak hide behind excuses, and to be honest I'm bored already. If he wants a chat to set his mind at rest then I will gladly help, if he wants to pull his finger out and stop being such a sad pathetic moaner and whiner then good, but otherwise please go and whinge somewhere else - you're 37 for f**ks sake, GROW UP!

OK rant over.

Anyway, lunch... Got to the pub early to avoid the pink rinse crowd and ensure a table - bit too early as it turned out as it only opens at 12. Lunch and the company were amazing. Clare was alive again! First time in 5 weeks or however long it is. Had a good slap up meal and a couple of Jamesons and Coke (I might have to work in there, just to get free samples!). Clare even had dessert so I joined her with some ice-cream (and walked it off later!)
Clare was smiling and really aware of who I was. She was interacting with me in a way we haven't done for years. I think the way she laid the law down to John the previous night had earned her some respect from me and her feeling of at least having one foot on the ground and some sense of reality had woken her up from the artificial trance she has been in for a few weeks. Whatever the reason I had the most genuine fun and sincerely close time I have had with Clare in about 7 or 8 years.
Afterwards we came back and sat in the cosy conservatory and chatted about life, the universe and everything, before Clare got a bit tired and needed to snooze, so she lay on the settee while I read the jobs paper. She looked so peaceful asleep. Like a small elf-like person snoozing in a woodland clearing, and I found myself watching her with a smile on my face as much as I was trying to find a job. I can see why John is besotted with her. I can see why I once was.
When she left she had a smile on her face, so for me it was a case of 'job done'. I have wanted Clare to be happy ever since this sad episode began, and today I think we got there. I know it can't always be like that, and I have no idea what the future brings, but if I have the power to make Clare happy when she is with me, then that's the only reward I need. I walked the dog straight after she had gone and was beaming from ear to ear with a spring in my step. Somehow, and I don't know why, my world is always better when Clare is happy. Life is so damned complex!

I got to the top of the first peak - don't want to risk going too far in the wind with my eyes like this just yet - and just got high enough to see the view.
As I looked out, I saw Glastonbury in the distance and could see the Tor cutting the sky like a new pin through the grey velvet clouds. And then I lost it! I don't know why it happened at that moment, but the realisation that I could see that well, and all the beautiful view in its fertile magnificence just broke me. I burst into tears. The sense of joy in my heart was too much for me to take and I couldn't stop. I had to walk further out in case anyone came past and wondered why I was so upset. But I wasn't upset, I was just overwhelmed with happiness. I had a cry for about 10 minutes, and of course I can't wipe my eyes because of the operation, so I went hope bleary-eyed. Very strange emotions. I felt so happy but was crying, very odd. I am so eternally grateful to everyone at the eye clinic for giving me this gift. If I lived till 100 I wouldn't have time to say thankyou enough. It makes me want to live forever and do everything there is to do in the world just to show them how grateful I am. It really is a modern miracle, and I am so lucky to have had the treatment.
I had renewed vigour for life thanks to my 'guide' who helped me through the most difficult part, but every day I have more and more appetite for life. I love being alive, it is a gift none of us should waste. We never appreciate anything till we have lost it, and surely life is the biggest thing of all. My life's resolution has become 'never waste a day' and I intend not to. I go to bed at night with a peaceful heart, a fulfilled mind, and a strong ambition for the next day. And long may it continue. I don't know why someone or some being decided that I 'deserve' to feel this way, but they have my eternal thanks and the promise that my life will not be wasted, and every minute of every day will be appreciated with the sanctity it deserves.

Wow, heavy stuff eh? Feeling tired after that!

This week I have to be careful with my eyes, so I might phone a few jobs up and send out a few emails, but I don't think I should aim for interviews until next week or the week after. Hopefully I will have the driving license by then too! Hold onto your bull-bars! Locksley is coming!

Strength from within....

Well last night I was half way through writing on here. I had a post almost complete. I was saying how Clare had been round and still looked so burdened by her situation and the constraints being put on her. Anyway, that was last night.
Then, just for a brief moment, Clare found some of that inner steel that I used to see so much of. She had gone up to Crooks Peak and wandered around in the woods, doing a lot of soul searching, when she got a message from John. She explained that she was suffering and he came over to see her. From somewhere Clare found the courage to tell him that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and that she couldn't move in with him either - he then came out with all the classic pressure statements like "after all I'VE DONE FOR YOU!" etc. basically still going about things in the same way as before. But Clare stuck to her guns and is now free to find herself, deal with her own emotions, and get her life moving again.
I'm so proud of her. It took enormous strength to do that.

There is one more hurdle for her though - she has agreed to meet him tonight. Now he will have had 24 hours to prepare something here, so I'm worried about what he is going to do. I really hope she just stays in the pub and talks there, because he will no doubt pressure her into going somewhere private so he can use the emotional pressure he is so good at. Clare needs to be rational and calm and not pressured into anything at the moment, she is too fragile. The most important thing for Clare is to mend. She needs to put her life back together in her own time, and not be forced into any pressure situations as I don't think she would take much more of this.

We are going to have Sunday lunch together today, and I really pray she had a good night's sleep and feels refreshed enough to make more forward steps, and also have enough strength to deal with today.

"Eyes to the right..."

If I said I was tired right now I'd be lying, I'm shattered! Went to Bristol which was really exciting got a huge buzz getting off the bus and wandering round the city. I used to hate that sort of thing, but I just had the urge to go into a coffee bar or something. Not that I had time, but maybe on Saturday after my post-op.
The first part of the treatment went well - apparently I am extremely fit judging by my eyes (like I didn't know! 30,000 steps a day must be doing some good!)
I am having the surgery on Friday morning, so fingers crossed! Pretty scared, but there's no turning back now, this is my first big conquest with many more to come, so I am not stopping now!

Clare came round this morning and had a very detailed and interesting chat. She told me how she didn't really want to be with John, and moving in with him is a mistake, and she knows he is controlling her and doesn't trust her. I'm happy that she has realised now - only problem is that she is still going along with it all, and getting deeper and deeper into trouble. I don't want to push my opinions onto her however much I am scared that she is going the get hurt (and hurt someone else too) . I will sit back and just be there for her. My spirit guide has sent me in this direction with specific instructions to be there for her in the future as she is going to need me in a big way - well no worries about that, I am ready, willing and able to assist whenever that time comes. Poor girl even admitted she is staying with him because she feels sorry for him, that he can't be on his own. It's all very tragic and damaging both of them as people. They both need to be independent and strong. I know Clare has that potential, but I think John will just run straight back to his ex when this all falls apart.
Clare had a miserable birthday, which I think is unforgiveable to be honest. I mean a birthday is an easy day for a guy to make a girl feel special and he couldn't even manage that. Clare said they were giving it a week to see how they got on before committing to getting a place together - except he had already got somewhere! First day together is nothing but Clare upset, and he still makes her move in with him - ironically in Lympsham - no prizes for guessing why! Near the horse, and she only has to go up the main road to town and back, i.e. keeps her away from Winscombe! If they lived in Cheddar she would have to come past here, and he couldn't risk that! Apparently when confronted with the news that Clare will always want to see me, he started sobbing about why wasn't he enough for her!! This is after less than 30 days as a couple? Glenn Close springs to mind. He is obviously more screwed up than Clare, and needs to go and get help. You cannot be a weak man at 37 and be dependent on having ANY woman at all. It's cruel to the girl involved and unless stopped and confronted he will be a 50 year old insecure man with emotional and behavioural difficulties. Clare needs to help him by forcing him to be single and dealing with his issues, preferably with a professional. Clare needs to be independent so she can deal with her own issues, rather than having to just stick with someone to give them temporary security - which he doesn't have anyway while she still sees me.
What a mess. They both need to go their seperate ways before they damage eachother more. Neither will be happy till they free eachother and deal with their own issues in their own space.

Clare apparently laid the law down to him later on, and from her reaction he sat there quietly making all the right noises, like he would try and be a good boy, but I'm sure when he discovers Clare and I are having Sunday lunch together he will freak again. Not good.

I felt better in Bristol after I had a rest and was able to pick up a plant for Clare's mum as a thankyou for foxy-minding. I also got Clare a little voucher for Superdrug so she can pamper herself with some goodies - I think she really needs to be spoilt a bit and relax. I'd love to take her on a short break just to escape everything, because although she was better tonight, I think it's going to be hard for her, and I am still worried that she is quite fragile. I have had to deal with all this head-on, I have had no escape and that's why I have found peace of mind - my feelings have been dealt with, but Clare has left me and gone straight to someone else, and her mind and body are screaming out for some time out and a chance to do the same. Not going to happen in Lympsham though I'm afraid, not with MI5 checking all her actions. I still stand by the forecast of him proposing and getting her a ring. His other attempts to constrict her freedom are not working, so something bigger is needed. Don't get me wrong, I don't like John because he has done a very wrong thing, and has been part of my heart being broken in two, let alone the pain he may have caused his side of the relationship, but he is a human being and deserves to be treated with kindness, care and respect and he is just having his mental and emotional problems accentuated all the time that he and Clare remain together. Clare too is digging a bigger hole day by day, and when it all breaks down there is going to be more devastation. It's like a 3-way car crash - me, John and Clare all colliding. I span off and hit a tree but the medics got there in time and I am recovering. Clare and John crashed head-on and instead of being taken to hospital they are both trying to just drive off despite their critical injuries. I have my hard hat and sympathy shoulder at the ready...

That's all for now - I am drained - Friday is going to be a killer - I've got to get back home before the pain relief wears off, and can't get water in my eyes for 2 weeks, I have to sleep in a protective mask taped to my face, and have to wear shades all day! What have I let myself in for?!?!? YAY! BRING IT ON! :)

"Lonely is the word..."

This is hard. Too hard. I miss my life companion. I feel like one arm and one leg have been sliced off me and I'm still supposed to manage like there's nothing missing.
My previous life was nearly all wrong, it was totally screwed up, but the one thing held it together and that was the companionship. There was never a day when I was upset to see that car pull up outside, never. The opposite is in fact true - I used to run down to meet her, open the door and send the dog out to give her a welcome home. I dread 6 o'clock now. I dread every hour after 6 o'clock too. The dark nights don't help. I feel like a prisoner.

I have a prediction. John obviously wants me to vanish out of Clare's life, and he's not going to stop until I'm gone. I know his strength is emotional blackmail, cajoling, and pressure. It's how he 'gained his prize' in the first place. I'm going to see less and less of Clare. He will insist on that and she is too besotted right now to do anything other than what he wants.
I reckon in about 2 or 3 months I won't see her at all. If I do then I'm sure he will hurry up in finding them a place together, and I expect he will propose to her as well to at least get a ring on her finger and trap her further. He will keep reminding her of how unhappy she was with me, how she wanted to be with him, asking if she loves him or not, the usual stuff men do to twist female minds.
I don't think I can cope if she vanishes. Or when she vanishes. The thing that breaks my heart is the fact I know she doesn't want us to disappear from eachother's lives. There is still a great deal of love between us and it is a deep love on a level many people will never attain. It would be a tragedy for us to never see eachother again, but if he has his way then I know we are going to lose eachother.
This is what makes me sad at night. I am being strong, as strong as I can be, but this is harder than I ever imagined. It feels like I am having vital organs removed one at a time and seeing if I can still live.
And all because of silly male ego and insecurity. This is so base a level, it's like rutting stags just trying to fight off the 'opposition' as they see it. Surely we are more mature than that - surely clever mature people can find a way round things?

We'll see...

Birthdays, sunshine and gagging orders...

October the second. A date forever in my mind. I use it on all my internet business as my "special date" for a security question. It always will be a special day to me.
Clare's birthday of course, and so I sent her a text message to wish her a happy birthday (in Finnish it goes without saying!) and caused a bit of trouble as a result. I sent the text quite early, and then forgot all about it.
I have been texting a girl called Gwen who lives in Cardiff - met her through the internet dating site thing - and she's quite chatty, so it's nice when you feel alone at night to have the phone bleep and get a little message here and there. Usually it's just something like "I'm watching cracker with a glass of wine, isn't it cold out?" to which I reply "Yeah, watching X-factor instead with an apple and glass of cranberry juice." - high emotion stuff you have to agree, lol. Anyway, I was looking at flats on the internet this morning and feeling very sad and low about it all. I heard the phone bleep and thought 'cool, it's Gwen, might have a chat and take my mind of this' and ran to get the phone. As I picked it up I saw it was Clare who had texted me back, and I can only describe the feeling as being like a kid on Christmas morning opening a present and at first thinking it is just a pair of gloves only to turn round and see his real present is a mountain bike. It brought a smile to my day - but then Clare always does. When she comes round I feel like a real person again for hours after.
Anyway, this is where I screwed up. I got excited and really wanted to phone her and wish her all the best and hoping she was having a great birthday. For some reason I thought she would be at her mum's house as it was her birthday so I didn't think twice and called her.
She answered like she was hiding in an escape tunnel at Colditz. Hushed voice, shaking a lot, and sounding almost tearful. She explained she was at Banwell, which didn't click instantly, but obviously meant at his parent's house. It felt awful, made my stomach sick. She was hiding it from him I suppose, in case he kicked off about it. I am so sorry for Clare. She left for a better and more free life and has ended up being controlled and told what she can and can't do.
To me she is like a beautiful butterfly. Through my mistakes and my eternal regret this perfect butterfly was trapped in the window, trying to fly free into the great outdoors. All I had to do was open the window and let her out so she could have flown free. Instead I did nothing, and she flew to the backdoor and tried to slip out, only to fly straight into a spider's web. This is where we are now. Clare is just relieved to be outside, but despite the fact she is stuck and held fast, she has still not noticed the spider rushing out.
I don't know what to do. I love Clare too much to watch her die, but at the same time my love for her is real and true and I cannot intervene.

I read a great story about love setting people free:

The Round Table King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch-only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The fateful hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! The Knight was astounded. Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

A lesson anyone who proclaims to love another should always remember....

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me....and foxy

OK second day in a row up to Crooks Peak, and this time it was supposed to be in between showers. It takes me 2 hours to get to the summit and back so I thought we would be ok! Oops!
This was the view as I started to head back courtesy of the new phone:
As you can see there was a lot of rain coming - but the noise! Hell! The lightning started striking the ground around me - some of it was only 50-100 feet away and the bangs were scaring the life out of Foxy! Me too! But then I had a thought. I was saved from a premature end to my life, and since that day I haven't served out my life's purpose, so I figured my number shouldn't really be up just yet. And it wasn't, in fact as we got back to the tunnel the sun came out. Scared me at the time though - I think Foxy might have a mental block about going up there now! Poor thing...
Busy week this week, lots to do and lots of places I have to go - Got to go to Bristol at least 3 times, maybe more. Still - it beats sitting on your arse all day! Sold the cameras today, so the bills will be paid for a bit longer, plus I can move house now too! More stuff to sell this week then that's it! Tired now, long day. Not a fan of weekends, far too lonely for my liking. Sunday is a relaxing with loved ones day.

"There but for the grace of God go I..."

Just had disturbing news from mum. Wasn't going to post any more today but she just phoned me up to tell me a mate of mine from Primary School just got dumped by his girlfriend. He seemed to be dealing with it and had a night out with friends, and a couple of days later one of them phoned him up and there was no reply. They went round and found him dead in the lounge after taking an overdose. I'm shaking now. That could have been me. I'm so sad, angry, confused, alarmed, and above all thankful.
I'm thankful of the chance to go on living, to make a better life for myself, to be a better person to those around me, to be there when people need me, and to make myself and those I love proud of me. Thank you for the chance, my final chance - I won't waste it, I swear.

A realisation in the dead of night...

Ouch! I woke up this morning (it's only 6am now) with a start. I put two and two together and the answer FOUR came out with such a start it woke me up! I now get the whole reason for the 'moving in' thing with Clare.
I had the two halves of the answer yesterday, I just never put them together. He is insecure and as we know that is the first step in the chain of controlling her. He doesn't trust Clare and wants to control her - admitting as much by his unhappiness at her seeing me. If you trust someone you are never insecure, if you love someone you set them free, and if you want someone to be independent you allow them to do whatever they want. None of these apply.
What do insecure women who can't let a man be free and want him for themselves do time after time? They force them (encourage, manipulate, steer them into, coax, use emotional control) into marriage. Why? To prevent them having a way out and forcing them to be with you.
If you are insecure, lacking in trust and wishing to control so you can "have" a woman to yourself irrespective of what she wants, you force her into living with you. Get some bonds to tie her down with then she can't leave, right? Wrong!
I don't know how clear Clare needs any of this to be made. So far he has cajoled her into breaking up her relationship with the person she loves (cajoled means to "persuade someone through flattery" - excellent term, also can mean "bullied" too in the emotional sense) but wasn't prepared to dump his girlfriend first (insurance policy - better to have any girlfriend at all than do without - so what does that tell you about how he really feels for Clare - I'll have you, but I'm keeping mine until I know you have dumped yours! In other words you are not special, I just fancy you, so I'm not risking being single - any girl is better than no girl! Whatever happened to sacrificing everything for the person you love?! What a coward and a liar!). He is untrusting and insecure, showing that he is in the early stages of being a control freak. Now he is steering her into commitment so she can't escape him.
This is all too awful. It is like watching two cars doing 100mph heading towards eachother, with the person you love sat in one of them.
I know Clare is going to convince herself ( and be convinced by him) that this is what she really wants, and that she knows how she feels about him. I'm sure when she spends next week at his house he will be a charming gentleman - I know he does this, it's his tool of manipulation - and Clare will believe she is doing the right thing. But it is the wrong thing on so many levels.
Apart from the fact he wants to control her so that she is all his and cannot escape (until he decides she can go when he eventually finds someone else - after all, how do you get to 37 and not have a long and steady relationship or at least someone you genuinely love with all your heart - because you are not like that, and you have no idea who or what you want apart from having a girl, any girl, to be with) Clare is not ready to move in with anyone.
Clare felt trapped living with me - but she had freedom to do whatever she wanted. She wanted an Arab horse - she got one. She wanted a car - she got one. She wanted to change the car for a four-wheel drive - she got one. She wants to go and see bands all over the country - we go, and stay in hotels along the way. She had freedom to do these things, but also said "I can't do all the things I really want to do while I am living with someone" and she was frantic to get her itchy feet out into the world and find herself. So what does she do? Move in with someone else?!?!?!?!? NO - this is so wrong for her.
The first months will be bliss for her - I have no doubt. He will work hard against all his natural instincts in order to keep her. I'm sure the fact he will be cooking everything won't bother him, or the piles of clothes on the floor won't bother him, the temper tantrums won't bother him, the moments of utter madness when hormones take over won't bother him, the being treated badly when she is in PMT won't matter, the crazy schemes and ideas that rip the security out of the relationship when she gets itchy feet won't bother him - ALL UP TO A POINT. But what happens when the instant hit of sexual gratification goes? What happens when you are with a 33 year old woman who is unhappy, frustrated, wanting to go and do things with her life, having a tantrum, hormonally imbalanced, doesn't feel like sex right now, starts leaving the house in a mess, complaining she is hungry and there's nothing in, and starts to wonder if she has done the right thing? I tell you what happens - unless you love her more than anything else in the whole world then you suddenly start finding other girls at work more attractive, and we know from his track record where that goes.
Clare's mum will be unable to sleep at night when she gets this bombshell. It's knocked me for sure. Clare has just ended a relationship because she wanted total freedom, and now for the convenience of not having to live at her parents' house she is heading straight back into the straight-jacket. What happens when he comes in from work and sits in front of the TV all night because he is tired out, and doesn't want to do anything. Back where we started aren't we?
The terrible irony is the fact that at that moment I shall probably be in Scandanavia or a recording studio, or driving to Glasgow to see Nightwish, or in France on holiday, or maybe even just in town having a jump up and down to anything noisy and with guitars in it! The irony is tragic.

Clare is free to do what she likes - I made that mistake before of trying to 'steer' her in a certain direction. Her happiness is the only thing that matters to me. If she wants to settle down and live the restricted domestic housewife role then so be it - but I don't believe for a second she wants to. And believe me this is where it is going - "I'm working full time and you only have a part time job, why is the house a mess? Where is my dinner? What do you do all day?" and so on - you can't see it now, but it's coming! How can it be any different with a full-time head guide and Clare not having a 'career' as such because she values life and all its variety too much.

The thing I always loved, and still do, about Clare is the fact she is a free spirit. She thinks outside the box all the time. She isn't restricted by the confines of what you are supposed to think. She doesn't care for careers and settling down, she cares for life! She cares for freedom and the ability to just go off freely and do whatever the moment takes you to. She has a free mind and a clever sharp one at that. She has an imagination bigger than any box you can try and fit it into - the world itself is not big enough to fit Clare's hopes, ambitions and life goals into. She is a universal person. So being penned into a flat in Cheddar and working part time in a shop is most likely her worst nightmare, and it will stifle her brilliance and her flare to be an individual. She will be on £5 an hour and struggling with Council Tax instead of walking over the hills of Finland, or doing reiki on Tibetan monks, or swimming in the sea off the coast of New Zealand, or any of the other million things that are to do out there! Believe me, I KNOW! I have a list as high as Canary Wharf and growing! There is lost time to be made up for years of idiotic time wasting and apathy, and now if anything I am the one with itchy feet!

I hope Clare finds the courage to do what is right, and to respect herself and not be cajoled any further - I am 36 and look at the last few years with utter regret at what I haven't done, and what I lost. I don't want her to do the same...